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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25642834">Never Far Away</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/saeriibon/pseuds/saeriibon'>saeriibon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ace Combat</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU: Varcolac Squadron lives, Ace Combat: Joint Assault, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not-So-Slow Slowburn???, Post-Game</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:48:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>23,557</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25642834</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/saeriibon/pseuds/saeriibon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I just finished watching a playthrough of Joint Assault and even though it isn't the best game of the franchise, I still enjoyed it. I especially liked Rigel/Varcolac Squadron despite their flaws (or maybe because of their flaws?) Anyways, this story is about the power of the yeet seat and second chances. Uh... Warning for slight homo-eroticism in case you don't care for that.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Antares 1/Milosz Sulejmani, Antares/Sulejmani</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“...it is thanks to their bravery that Olivieri’s plot was foiled, and the world has once again found peace and order. No doubt the world sends out its collective thanks. Let’s hope they continue to patrol our skies… In other news…”</p>
<p>The small hospital TV mounted on the wall filled the room with its grainy noise. The midday sun shining through the windows was nearly blinding as it was diffused around the room, revealing a lone hospital bed. Its occupant shifted and groaned both in pain and annoyance as he came into consciousness, taking in his surroundings.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Milosz Sulejmani, once known as the leader of Rigel Squadron, then the infamous Varcolac Squadron, miraculously laid alive on the sterile, white sheets of a hospital in downtown San Francisco. Were it not for the blinding pain he was currently in, he would’ve almost mistaken the stark white surrounding him as Heaven. Given the sparse quantity of medical equipment around him, he surmised his wounds were not entirely serious. Part of him was thankful, to be given a second chance, while the other, more reasonable part cursed his fate. What life could he have now? As soon as he gets released from the hospital, he would most assuredly be sent to rot in some jail cell somewhere. He gritted his teeth. <em> ‘Curse you, Antares. This was all because of you...’  </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>A sudden knock on the door startled him from his thoughts. The door cracked open, the voice of one of the nurses announcing that he had a “visitor.” From the noises outside the door, the hospital sounded quite busy, no surprise given the recent attack on the city. However, the one thing that bothered Sulejmani the most was the fact anyone was visiting him in the first place. If it were the police, government, or some other organization like that, they wouldn’t bother spending the pleasantries of having their visit be announced. Before he could ask who it was, a figure opened the door further, striding into the room, thanking the nurse, and closing the door in one fluid motion.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The pain and the light made it difficult to see clearly, but it was obvious the figure was a young man wearing a maroon bomber jacket and faded denim jeans. As the figure turned to face him, Sulejmani noticed that he was holding something in his hands, although he couldn’t be quite sure what it was. He squinted, noticing a familiar ‘MS’ patch on the jacket’s right shoulder. Eventually, the gears turned away the fog in his head, leading to a strangled hiss, “Antares…” He moved to position himself into a more upright position, sucking in his breath to avoid any further sounds of pain, although his efforts only got him so far. “Come to finish the job, Antares?” His voice nearly cracked due to how dry his throat was and even though he tried to put on a defiant smirk, it more or less came out like a wince of pain. The other man didn’t reply, instead coming closer to his injured rival. Sulejmani realized the object Antares was holding wasn’t a gun or a knife like he had hoped, but rather a simple, ceramic gray vase containing an assortment of white lotus flowers and red tulips. He cocked an eyebrow as Antares gently placed the vase on the bedside table, taking a few moments to make minor adjustments to its placement so that it was perfectly centered. He took a few steps back and folded his arms as he seemed to inspect the vase, avoiding Suljemani’s confused gaze as the older pilot took him in.</p>
<p>Back when they were both in Martinez, Suljemani rarely saw hide nor hair of Antares on the ground, so he could only assume what the ace looked like. He expected someone much older, but the person before him had to be in his early twenties at least. He was clean shaven with a head of reddish-brown hair that was just long enough to be pulled back into a small ponytail. He brought his hand up to his face, thick eyebrows furrowing as he silently regarded the vase beside Sulejmani. At this point he could swear Antares was just stalling for time, pretending to mull over his thoughts to avoid addressing what was left behind. He snarled, “What exactly are you getting at, Antares? Is this some elaborate joke to hammer the final nail in my coffin?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Finally, Antares turned his head to meet the other man’s eyes, a sudden hardness taking over them as he lowered his hand from his face, balling it into a fist before shoving it into his pocket. Without answering, he walked to the TV, turning it off and grabbing the chair beneath it with his free hand. He somehow managed to silently drag the chair over next to Sulejmani and sat himself down next to him. Antares looked over the bed, sheets covering whatever wounds were on the other man, gaze softening for just a moment before they became cold again as he locked eyes with Sulejmani.</p>
<p><em> ‘Freak… </em>’ Sulejmani averted his gaze. He knew Antares didn’t really talk all that much on comms, but being in the same room as him and still having him be silent definitely made for an uncomfortable experience.</p>
<p>“So, was it really all for the money?” Antares spoke, albeit in a low, raspy tone that Suljemani had to strain to hear.</p>
<p>In that moment, he truly wished he were dead. Memories of the words he exchanged during their dogfight over San Francisco sprung into his mind and he cringed inwardly. He had poured his heart out to the other pilot in that moment under the belief that he would finally rid himself of the pesky Scorpion when all was said and done. The fact that Antares lives, now aware of Sulejmani’s damnable past, mocks everything he has ever done up to this point. He scoffs, “Why do you even bother asking? You already know the answer.” He turned his head away to look out of the window, the clear blue sky taunting him. “Now, I have nothing.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Antares shifted in his chair, waiting a moment to make sure Sulejmani was done speaking before replying, “There are things in life you can’t just buy.”</p>
<p>“I don’t need you to preach to me!” Sulejmani snapped, his outburst loud enough to cause another nurse to nervously open the door before he was waved away by Antares.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry…” Antares mumbled out an apology, which took Sulejmani by surprise.</p>
<p>“I don’t need your pity, either,” he grumbled out.</p>
<p>“Oruma, Gaviria, and Kiriakov are still alive, you know. I spoke with them.” Antares waited again to gauge Sulejmani’s reaction, when he kept staring out the window, Antares continued, “They asked about you, they still really look up to you. You don’t have nothing, Milosz.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sulejmani inhaled sharply. That last word, his given name, almost sounded like an afterthought. Why would Antares call the other three by their surnames, but not him? Had he really sunk that low for his rival to address him like that? He clenched his jaw and turned to the other man. Antares was idly fidgeting his fingers, looking away. “I don’t need you to comfort me,” Sulejmani murmured. He followed Antares’s gaze, landing on the bouquet. Lotuses and tulips seemed too… specific to be simply chosen as a bedside hospital gift. He had a vague memory from his past, of a girl he met explaining that some people believe flowers to hold special meaning. She died shortly after. Foolish. “What do they mean?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Antares looked between him and the bouquet, “The lotuses represent purity and rebirth…”</p>
<p>“And the tulips?”</p>
<p>He could hear Antares gulp before speaking again, “Oh! The, uh, tulips symbolize…” His eyes darted around for a moment, “They symbolize hope for a speedy recovery!” He rushed out that last line, face turning as red as the flowers in question.</p>
<p>“You may be an excellent pilot, but you are a terrible liar.” Sulejmani sighed before turning to stare at the ceiling. ‘<em> Rebirth, huh?’ </em> He mused before chuckling to himself. ‘ <em> Not a chance…’ </em> At that moment, he felt something soft slip over his hand. He looked down to his side where it was resting and saw Antares’s own hand placed over it. Part of him didn’t want to move it because of how much pain it would cause and part of him didn’t want to move it because… He furrowed his brow. What is the other reason? He stared at Antares’s hand, a bit smaller than his own, soft and lightly tanned. It traced the over calluses and veins, over the scars he had received throughout his life. Both of them had killed with those hands, but it was clear who was the most sinful of the two. “Antares-”</p>
<p>“Neil,” he interrupted, hand instinctively tightening over Sulejmani’s. “Just… call me that…” His grip loosened as he trailed off. He went to slide his hand back into his pocket. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was like Sulejmani’s body moved on his own, hand reaching out in time to grasp Antares’s retreating fingers. The two pilots froze there. “Neil…” The name passed through his dried lips a bit too tenderly. “I would ask you to call me, ‘Milosz,’ but you seem to have already done that.” Antares blushed even harder now, Sulejmani taking note of how even the tips of his ears turned red. It felt like a minor victory, embarrassing the man who shot him down, but he relinquished his hold from him once he realized how hot his own face felt. It felt strange to put it simply. He had never truly experienced feelings like this before, essentially being born into war. He was aware that Antares used to be a soldier too, the difference being that he started his career much later than him in life. He had time to live, to grow, to be a normal human being. How could someone like that feel this way towards someone like him? It felt like another cruel joke God was playing on him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Antares seemed to sense his growing insecurities. “You might not be able to buy back what you have lost, but you certainly don’t have to buy what you have right now. You… are a great pilot with wingmen who care about you. You’re alive. I’m not going to forgive you for what you have done, but I...” He faltered for a moment, not used to speaking this much, “I… want to help you... atone for what you’ve done.”</p>
<p>“Atone…”</p>
<p>“D-don’t get me wrong, I don’t consider myself a saint by any means,” he blurted out, “I just thought maybe we could… not start over, but start anew… for a better future.”</p>
<p>“We?”</p>
<p>“You and me... and everyone else in your squadron, of course.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Silence overtook them as Sulejmani turned Antares’s words over in his head. The younger pilot looked at him expectantly, an earnest passion flickering behind his amber eyes. He swallowed the knot in his throat, only to have another coil in his gut. “... Why,” was all he could muster out once the tide of Antares’s words receded.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Antares straightened in his seat, taking a deep breath before exhaling slowly. “Because I… find you to be… i-intriguing and I’d like… to get to know you… more of you… Yeah.” Antares clenched his fists when Sulejmani started snickering, “Don’t laugh, I’m serious!”</p>
<p>It took a moment for him to regain composure, tears coming to his eyes from both laughter and another bittersweet emotion he had yet to properly identify. “I’m laughing <em> because </em> you’re serious,” he explained. Before he could bring his own hand up to wipe a tear that had fallen down his cheek, Antares had already done so, a lone finger caressing his face, lingering just long enough for Antares to remember the feel of his skin, his contours, his stubble. The gesture seemed to freeze time itself.</p>
<p>“Milosz…” he whispered, neither a statement nor a question.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>God, if only he could hear his name spoken like that a thousand times. The first time his name wasn’t spoken like a curse, an order, a designator for another cog in the war machine. His name, spoken like a prayer from one of the most skilled pilots he ever had the pleasure of both working with and against. “Antares… Neil…” He wanted to say more, something, anything to the man before him who burned like a star. The man who slowly got up from his chair and returned it to where he found it. The man who crossed the room to its door. The man seemingly set on leaving the hospital room exactly as he found it, excluding the flowers he had brought in. “Neil!” he called out hoarsely. Antares stopped as his hand rested on the doorknob. Sulejmani winced in pain as he brought himself to sit fully upright, his best attempt at getting closer to Antares before he left, even if it were a few inches more. “I… accept your offer… ‘for a better future’.”</p>
<p>Antares smiled and gave a small nod of understanding to Sulejmani, then wordlessly left the room, being careful to quietly close the heavy door behind him.</p>
<p>Although the clicking of the latch seemed like a finality, Sulejmani knew for a fact this wouldn’t be the last time he’d see that man. He let out a shaky sigh and slowly lowered himself back onto the bed. He suddenly felt extremely tired and as he turned his head, he let the lotuses and tulips be the last things he saw before he drifted to sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2: Epilogue to Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"Do you honestly believe someone like him could change?" Burford chided Neil as the two left the hospital. "You're the pride of Martinez, but that doesn't mean you have to bother playing pardoner for terrorists, even if they were once under our employ."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil walked beside his commander, taking in the sights of the reconstruction process of the city and chuckled a bit as Burford aired his gripes. "Trust me, sir, I am skeptical with how a single hospital visit managed to change Mi- Sulejmani's beliefs," he cleared his throat at his slip-up. "There's an honest chance he could be lying to save his own skin."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Burford nodded in agreement, "People who have a history of betraying others tend to do it again…"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Speaking from experience, commander?" Neil jested, earning a reprimanding elbow in the rib from his superior.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'm warning you, Neil, be on your guard. You can't afford to get too friendly with Varcolac."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Neil sighed, "They're not Varcolac anymore, and don't worry, if any of them try slipping a fast one on me, I'll put them down for good." Neil pounded his fist into his palm for emphasis. Although the gesture was childish, there was a cold and ruthless edge in his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Burford side-eyed Neil and shook his head, "Remember, if anything goes wrong, it'll look bad on your record and mine," he cautioned. "I'll see you back at base."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I understand, sir." Neil saluted as he and Burford parted ways. He slowed down and turned towards the hospital building, staring up at the floor Sulejmani was staying in. '</span>
  <em>
    <span>God, I hope this works… Were the flowers too much? I don't even know if he's allergic to any. He's still going to be after money, right? How can I use that… No, he said my name, that was genuine, I think? Was he really crying? Oh, Jesus Christ…" </span>
  </em>
  <span>Neil growled in frustration, bringing his hands up to his head. "</span>
  <em>
    <span>Fighting terrorists is much easier than this… Milosz, if you're somehow telepathic, then I hope you hear this. I'm really… really glad you're alive." </span>
  </em>
  <span>Neil stood alone on the sidewalk, projecting his feelings towards the imposing glass building before finally turning away, satisfied with the practically nonexistent possibility that Sulejmani heard his thoughts.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>As a nurse was replacing the IV drip, she couldn’t help but notice the flowers placed next to Sulejmani’s bedside. “Those weren’t there this morning,” she mused out loud.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani had awoken from his nap at this point, but was still a bit groggy and could only offer a gravelly “Mm” in response. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>So, it wasn’t just a dream, huh? Damn…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They’re nice… Were they from a special someone?” She teased, trying to make small talk as she worked. “You don’t have to answer that, if you don’t want to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Special someone…” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Why did that phrase make his heart shudder? He hoped to God that the EKG machine hooked up to him didn’t register that. “No… no one special,” he lied both to the nurse and to himself. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll play your little game, Antares… It’s not like I have anything left to lose. Whatever you see in a sinner like me… I hope I can see it too.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>me: i think that sulejmani should get to be happy in the end<br/>also me: depression *whips and nae naes*<br/>next chapter will be happier... maybe... (who knows im just flying by the seat of my pants now)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been about two months since Neil had first visited Sulejmani. Between now and then, there hadn’t been many other visits. Only two other times did he stop by; once was to replace the flowers he had gifted (daisies and honeysuckle this time) and the second was to give him an old walkman and some cassettes, “In case you ever got bored listening to that shitty T.V.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The choices of music were varied from genres like country to metal. Although he had no clue what the songs were titled or who was singing them, he found himself gravitating towards the cassette that was mostly soft rock.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The music definitely helped with physical therapy, at least to distract him from the aches and pains that came with it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You’ve been progressing on schedule,” a doctor stood beside Sulejmani’s bed as he silently sat eating his breakfast of oatmeal, black coffee, a slice of toast, and some apple slices. “At this rate we can see about getting you released as soon as, well, tomorrow.” The doctor looked down as Sulejmani continued eating. His hair had grown out a bit, making him look much more haggard than before.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Mm,” was the only acknowledgement the doctor received, along with the crunch of an apple slice.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> “You know, most people would be a little happy hearing that. You put in a good amount of effort, too,” the doctor did his best to encourage the man. It was strange, though, all of his expenses were being covered from an outside source and he didn’t even have an insurance card when he was first admitted. “Someone’s looking out for you, Mr. Sulejmani. Cheer up a bit.” With that the doctor turned and headed for the door.</p>
<p>Sulejmani let out a sigh of relief and relaxed a little in his bed. ‘<em> Tomorrow already... How long has it even been? </em> ’ It was easier to count the time when Neil visited. He shook his head from thoughts of the other man and focused on his squadron mates instead. If their injuries were any similar to his, then they will probably be getting released soon if they haven’t already. Not like it matters, as soon as any of them get released, it’s just going to be a court case to prison affair. How can anyone in his position be happy about leaving a hospital? This has been the safest place he has ever been in in his entire life. ‘ <em> Maybe I could burn myself… </em> ’ He looked at his coffee, now cooled to a lukewarm temperature. ‘ <em> ... Nevermind. </em>’ He thought about falling from his bed, strangling himself with the wires from his walkman, smashing the vase of flowers and using the shards to cut himself, any and all manner of ways with which he could extend his stay. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘<em> Coward. </em> ’ A small voice in the back of his head goaded him. ‘ <em> What are you so afraid of?’ </em> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He thought of the dogfights between him and Antares. He thought of watching his squadron get shot down one after another. He thought of his mother and father, what they might have looked like and sounded like. He thought of his training. Of the flower girl. Men in black suits leading him handcuffed into a van. A dark, cramped cage. Nothingness. Forever. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sulejmani couldn’t breath. He felt his throat tighten as his stomach churned. Ice seemed to blanket his skin in waves as his heart sped faster. ‘<em> No. I want to live… I want to live… I want to live… I-’ </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>He had pushed his overbed table away in a panic, causing the coffee to spill a little in the process. Shifting out of bed, he hung onto the wall as he shambled his way to the bathroom, clutching his stomach and looking like a rabid animal in the process. As soon as he got near the toilet, he purged what little contents were in his stomach. After a moment of that, he just sat on the cold tile floor, breathing heavily. Bringing his hands to his face, he opened his mouth as if to scream. No sound came out, however, as he hunched over and wept. The years spent having to keep his own emotions buried under the mask of a soldier rendered him unwilling, or unable, to cry out loud. He tensed and shook silently as wave after wave of silent wails wracked his body. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He didn’t know how much time he had spent on the floor. Minutes? Hours? All that mattered was that his stomach hurt less and his tears had stopped flowing. He lifted himself off the floor and leaned against the sink, turning on the cold water and thoroughly cleaned his face with it. He couldn’t bring himself to look up at the mirror and slowly made his way back to his bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After helping himself in, he went and grabbed the walkman he had put under his pillow. He didn’t bother playing the cassette that was in it, instead settling to turn over on his side and clutch it close to his chest. He idly fidgeted with the buttons on it, the feeling and sound of them clicking helped focus and calm him down. ‘<em> Why didn’t you visit more often? Got better things to do, Antares? Think you’re too good for me? No… I’m sure you had your reasons. Oh, God damn it.’ </em> Sulejmani groaned as he caught himself thinking of the other pilot again.</p>
<p><em> ‘It’s not jealousy if you want him to be the last thing you see before you’re sent to federal prison, right?’ </em> The voice in the back of his head reasoned. ‘ <em> No, it would be even better if he were there tomorrow to sweep you off your feet and take you far away from here. But, that will never happen.’ </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sulejmani pushed the bleak clouds of doubt from his head. <em> ‘Don’t count your chickens before they hatch, idiot.’ </em> He scolded himself. ‘ <em> I just have to wait, what, 24 more hours? Then we’ll see… </em>’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Another, final round of physical therapy and check-up left him tired, but thankfully less sore. After going back to his room, he didn’t know when he fell asleep, but for the first time in many years, Sulejmani dreamed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was floating above, no, below a city. Inverted skyscrapers loomed above him and below was the vast blue of an empty sky. He felt himself falling down, towards the sky, but the city kept on growing closer to him. The tops of the buildings moved past him, windows reflecting a sourceless light around him. He closed his eyes as the ground was about to meet his body. But then, his eyes were open. The city was gone and he was standing in a field of white grass. Above him was the blue sky and oddly enough, stars and nebulas were visible beyond the azure gradient. The field seemed to stretch on forever. The only thing that broke up the landscape was another figure in the distance, their back turned towards Sulejmani. He started to run, legs feeling as if they were stuck in molasses. ‘<em> Come on, faster! I have to get closer…’ </em> He reached a hand out as the figure turned around. Suddenly, they were right in front of each other. ‘ <em> Neil… </em>’ Sulejmani regarded this apparition before him. He didn’t know what to do now that he was here. Say something? Hit him? What… What? He froze as the other man leaned in to embrace him. There wasn’t much of a height difference, but Neil was a few inches shorter than Sulejmani. His stomach was practically flipping over itself. He swallowed and tentatively hugged back. Even though it was a dream, it was almost as if he could really feel it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m glad you’re alive…” He heard Neil speak into his mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sulejmani tightened his hold ever so slightly. ‘<em> Help me… I don’t know what’s happening… I’m… scared.’ </em> A familiar voice said, his own, but younger.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know… I know…” Neil comforted. Beneath his hands, he felt something soft. As he pulled away, he saw that it was feathers. Great auburn wings unfurled from Neil’s back and stirred the air around them, rustling the grass and even the stars. “I have to go now,” he said with a solemn smile.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sulejmani grabbed him by the collar of his jacket. ‘<em> No… Take me with you! You-’ </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>“- promised…” He awoke with a start in the darkness of his hospital room. Faint light from the city filtered in through the closed window blinds and barely illuminated the analog clock by the T.V. indicating that it was a little after 11pm right now. ‘<em> Even in my dreams you are too cruel, Antares… Cut me some slack, will you? </em>’ He let out a tired chuckle before settling back to sleep once again, not bothering to wipe the tears that had fallen down his face. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>long chapter incoming. i've been having a nasty habit of writing from like... 11pm to 1am... it's a problem... now i sleep</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was late in the morning. The large windows in the hospital lobby showed a dreary gray sky, although rain had yet to fall. Patients, visitors, and workers all went about, giving the air inside a slight buzz of activity. However, like the obstinate clouds above, a man sat amidst the hustle and bustle. A night of fitful sleep left Sulejmani tired and cranky. This, coupled with his unkempt appearance, caused most of the people in the lobby to give him a wide berth. No one knew who he was, but he had the air of someone that you shouldn’t really be messing with. The hospital was gracious enough to provide him with a cane as well as a plastic bag that held the few belongings he had: a walkman, a (now empty) gray vase, and some prescription painkillers. The flight suit that he wore when he was first admitted was also washed and he wore it tied off at the waist along with a plain white t-shirt and loafers. </p><p>‘<em> It’s been, what, half an hour already? How long are they going to make me wait…’ </em> He complained to himself. A nurse told him after a phone call that someone was going to pick him up after he was discharged, although she didn’t exactly specify when, much to Sulejmani’s annoyance. ‘ <em> Might as well just walk out myself at this point.’ </em> He was in the process of hoisting himself out of the uncomfortable hospital sofa when he heard a familiar voice call him from the hospital entrance. As he looked, he recognized the maroon bomber jacket, followed by the chipper face of Antares 1, Neil.</p><p>“Ah! Let me help you with that, can’t have you getting sent back here for carelessness, right?” He swiftly strode over to help Sulejmani steady himself, still not used to using a cane to stand and walk.</p><p>“Don’t touch me,” Sulejmani grumbled, even though he made no physical effort to shrug off Neil’s hands.</p><p>“You look like a caveman,” Neil snorted, “We really ought to get you cleaned up. C’mon.” Before Sulejmani could make a retort, Neil was already leading, practically pushing him outside to an old, black pickup truck. </p><p>“Any reason for the rush? At the rate you’re going at, it seems like you’re a wanted criminal, too,” Sulejmani sneered.</p><p>Neil buckled himself in the driver’s seat, starting the vehicle and pulling away from the hospital before he started speaking. “Sorry about that, just want to make up for some lost time, y’know?”</p><p>Sulejmani cocked an eyebrow at him before turning to lean against the window. “Only three whole visits the entire time I was there…”</p><p>Neil grimaced a bit, “I would’ve come over more often if I wasn’t so busy… and if I knew that it would have bothered you this much.”</p><p>“It doesn’t!” Sulejmani snapped, “Besides, your face is the last thing I want to see.” He slumped and crossed his arms, carefully avoiding eye contact with the other man. Outside, the city was back to its normal state, signs of the battle taking place a few months ago being far and few between. Reflected back in the window, Sulejmani saw Neil look at him for a moment before focusing on the road again, disheartenment clear on his face. It almost reminded Sulejmani of an admonished puppy. “Stop it with that, the weather is already depressing enough,” he mumbled. </p><p>The two rode in tense silence, the city giving way to suburbs.</p><p>“Where exactly are we even going,” Sulejmani finally spoke, “You’re not bringing me out to the desert or some prison to abandon me or anything, right?”</p><p>“Do you want me to do that?”</p><p>“...No.”</p><p>“Then no. Besides, PMCs like you and I fall under some legal loopholes that allow us to avoid prosecution in some cases. There’s that, along with the fact that I’ve spent the last two months covering your trail for you so that you can’t even get convicted in the first place.”</p><p>Oh. It finally clicked in his head. Now that he knew that, Sulejmani shrunk in his seat a little, embarrassed that he had the audacity to even complain about the few visitations he received. Although, he was still hesitant about the whole thing. “You went through all that work for someone like me, do you expect a ‘thank you’ or something?”</p><p>“Nah,” he shrugged. “Just you being here is enough.”</p><p>‘<em> Weirdo… What the hell does that even mean?’ </em></p><p>“It’s gonna be a while till we get to where we’re going… Mind putting a tape in?” Neil pointed to a slot on the center console.</p><p>Sulejmani rifled through his bag, fishing out one of the cassettes before fumbling a bit when he tried putting it in. “Damn… American… Cars…” He grunted, although the real reason was that he just had no idea how any of this worked. It sort of made him realize just how inexperienced he was when it came to leisure. Cars like this and music were luxuries growing up, and as he grew older, he never had any desire to indulge in those things or any understanding as to why other people would. That is, until Neil gave him his walkman.</p><p>“Here, let me do it before you break it,” Neil reached over, his fingertips brushing against Sulejmani’s as he relinquished the cassette. He didn’t seem to react, though, as he deftly fit the tape into the slot and hit the play button, filling the truck with music.</p><p>♪ ‘<em> I guess you wonder where I've been…’ </em>♪ </p><p>“Heh, nice pick,” Neil commented as he bobbed his head to the rhythm. “I came back to let you know~ Got a thing for you and I can't let go~... C’mon, Milosz, you sing too.”</p><p>“Absolutely not. I don’t even know the lyrics.” Sulejmani protested, a slight blush tinting his cheeks.</p><p>“You’ve had to have listened to this at least once. At least hum it if you have to.” Neil elbowed his reluctant passenger.</p><p>“I’m going to sleep.” Sulejmani stubbornly shut his eyes and folded his arms, “Wake me up when we get to this mystery destination of yours.”</p><p>“Alright, alright… Some people go around the world for love~”</p><p> </p><p>It took a while for Sulejmani to go to sleep, the ruckus Neil was making wasn’t helping, though he wasn’t too bad of a singer. Sulejmani at least stayed awake until he stopped singing, whether because he wanted to hear him until the end or because he finally had peace and quiet. When he awoke, the clock on the console read 2pm, the pair having been on the road for at least four hours now. He blinked and looked around, the car was stopped outside a convenience store in some rural area and it was raining.</p><p>“You missed lunch so I’m gonna grab you something from here. Any requests?”</p><p>Sulejmani yawned and shrugged, “Whatever you can get. I don’t know, surprise me…” He stretched his arms out and cracked his neck, wincing a bit from having bent over for so long. He went to take some painkillers as Neil hopped out of the truck and disappeared from sight.</p><p>When he came back, he held out two things towards Sulejmani, a bottle of water and a chocolate bar. “The water’s to help for when you take your pills and the candy is for… uh… morale.”</p><p>Sulejmani couldn’t help but snort, “Why do I even… What do you think I am, a child? Candy? Really?”</p><p>“Have you ever had it before?” Neil asked genuinely. </p><p>“Once or twice…”</p><p>“In your whole life?”</p><p>“You think I bother counting how many times I’ve eaten candy?”</p><p>“I dunno…” Neil buckled himself back in and drove the car back onto the road. “Just eat it, you need the calories anyways… Look like a ghost.”</p><p>“I might as well be a ghost… Better to be that than, what, a caveman?” Sulejmani joked.</p><p>Neil laughed a little, “Sorry for that, but it’s true.”</p><p>Sulejmani shook his head, “At least you’re honest.” He peeled open the silvery wrapper and took a bite out of a corner of the chocolate bar, its flavor sweet and creamy. It brought him back to the first time he had chocolate. A dirty, scruffy kid coming up to a group of armed soldiers. His targets. They spoke a language he couldn’t understand, but gave him pitiable smiles as one pulled out a half-melted bar from his pocket. He smiled too despite himself, tiny hands reaching out, completely forgetting why he or they were there. They were distracted. He turned to walk away, stuffing the chocolate into his mouth. He felt happy because they gave him candy and he felt happy when he heard the barrage of gunfire from his allies, taking out the squad of soldiers he had just interacted with. That meant that he did his job and doing your job is good. That was what his commander told him, after all.</p><p> </p><p>“Milosz?”</p><p>Neil’s words stirred him from his memories. “Hm?”</p><p>“You were spacing out for a second there, everything good?”</p><p>Sulejmani’s eyes narrowed. “I’m fine,” he said curtly.</p><p>Neil hummed, clearly able to tell that not everything was fine. “Mind giving me a piece?”</p><p>He held out the chocolate bar, expecting Neil to snap a piece off with his own hand. What he didn’t expect was for him to lean over, biting a section Sulejmani had already taken from. The road they were on was straight and there weren’t any other cars around, so Neil could afford to take his eyes off the road for that moment. Sulejmani swallowed the lump in his throat and even after Neil had pulled away, he was still holding out the bar of chocolate.</p><p>Neil wiped some chocolate from the corner of his mouth with his thumb and glanced back over, “What? Offering me a second pass?”</p><p>“N-no… Just take the whole thing.” He looked away and went to roll down his window.</p><p>Neil plucked the bar out of his hands and immediately started eating it. “Sweet. By the way, it’s still raining, so I wouldn’t recommend doing that, you’ll catch a cold.”</p><p>“I don’t care,” Sulejmani said impetuously as he leaned his head out the window, letting the rain and wind cool his face. “Your car has terrible AC anyways.”</p><p>Neil shrugged and continued to eat. “Just so you know, it’s gonna be another four hours, so don’t keep that up for too long.”</p><p>Sulejmani didn’t reply, praying that the elements would slap some sense into him.</p><p> </p><p>Two hours later, the rain had let up and Neil had pulled over so they two could stretch their legs after sitting for so long.</p><p>“Let me help you out.” Neil got out and went over to the passenger side of the car, opening the door and holding out his hand to Sulejmani.</p><p>“I can handle it myself,” Sulejmani batted his hand away. “One little leg injury won’t turn me into some feeble old man.”</p><p>“Never said you were. Now stop being stubborn,” Neil chided and hooked an arm around him as he helped the other man slowly get out of the vehicle. “Getting help from others isn’t a bad thing.”</p><p>“It means you’re weak,” Sulejmani spat.</p><p>“And that’s not a bad thing,” Neil retorted.</p><p>“Tch. Easy for you to say.”</p><p>“Milosz.”</p><p>The pair exchanged glares before Neil backed off and walked over to the tailgate, leaving Sulejmani to lean against the passenger door. Neil pulled out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes from his coat pocket and started to smoke.</p><p>“Never took you for a smoker.” Sulejmani noted.</p><p>“I do it sometimes…” Neil puffed out a cloud of smoke into the air, watching the breeze carry it away.</p><p>“Mind lending me one?”</p><p>Neil paused, inhaling and exhaling deeply. He walked over shaking another cigarette loose from the pack so Sulejmani could take it and put it in his mouth.</p><p>“I need the lighter too, you know.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, I got you.” Neil said flippantly, but he didn’t move to take the lighter out. Rather, he moved closer to Sulejmani, the toes of their shoes almost touching. Keeping his steady between two fingers, Neil lit the tip of the other cigarette with his own. “There,” he said simply before backing away and turning to walk down the road. “I’m not abandoning you or anything, just gonna get a little walk in. Be back in a minute,” Neil waved his hand before Sulejmani could say anything.</p><p>The other man stared dumbfounded as Neil took off. It took him all of his strength not to grab and shake him by the shoulders. What the hell does he think he’s doing? First the chocolate, now this? He took a deep breath, trying to relax his nerves. What even bothered him about those actions in the first place? He wondered. Is ‘bothered’ even the right word? He couldn’t tell. ‘<em> Maybe it was the proximity… I don’t like people being in my personal space. </em> ’ Then his mind wandered to the dream last night. ‘ <em> No </em> . <em> It wasn’t real, so that doesn’t count.’ </em> Then he remembered Neil’s first hospital visit with him, touching his hand and face, how that made him feel. That ‘bothered’ him too. ‘ <em> Personal space… of course… it has to be. </em> ’ He exhaled a large cloud of smoke. ‘ <em> He’s always been the one getting close to me. I want to be the one getting close to him... </em>’ Huh? He shook his head, as if the physical action could get rid of his thoughts. That sounded way too… intimate for his liking.</p><p>By now, Neil had returned from his walk. Sulejmani tamped down his cigarette and wordlessly let the other help him back into the car.</p><p>“Did the smoke break help you be less cranky?”</p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p>“I stand corrected.”</p><p> </p><p>Another uneventful two hours passed. It was fairly dark now, and Neil had turned off the main road onto a dirt and gravel pathway that slowly sloped upwards. “We should be there soon.” He said, still not explaining what ‘there’ meant. </p><p>They were surrounded by towering pine trees and Sulejmani got the sudden feeling that Neil could very well be taking him to some remote location to kill him. He gulped as he looked upwards, the dark blue twilight turning the canopy into a black silhouette. He felt the car slow and then stop, wheels crunching on the gravel. He looked out of the windshield and saw a small log cabin illuminated by the headlights. The porch light was still on and a few moths lazily fluttered around it.</p><p>“Welcome to my house!” Neil announced triumphantly. “Feels good to be back. Driving for 16 hours is the pits.” The two got out of the car with Neil leading the way. Unlocking the door, he opened it and gestured for Sulejmani to go in first. “Light switch is on your right.”</p><p>Expecting the worst, Sulejmani flicked it on, only to be met with a cozy living space. There was a fireplace on the far right wall, a couple of couches, a coffee table, and some bookshelves filled with all manners of DVDs, CDs, woodcarvings, and photos. An island divided the living room from the kitchen that had all of its standard amenities. On the far left wall there was a hallway, and as Sulejmani stepped further in to look down it, saw three closed doors.</p><p>“Left one’s the guest bedroom, middle one’s the master bedroom, and right one’s the bathroom,” Neil pointed out as he took his shoes off.</p><p>By now, Sulejmani noticed the air in the house had a savory smell to it, like cooked meat and vegetables.</p><p>“Benefits of a long day is that it gives me an excuse to make slow-cooked stew.” Neil made his way to a large pot placed on the stove in the kitchen. He waved Sulejmani over as he opened the lid. Inside was some cubed venison, carrots, and potatoes.</p><p>“I’m surprised a mercenary like you has the time to play house and cook.”</p><p>“Actually… I’m taking a break from that stuff for a while. I’ve just been doing odd jobs in the meantime, painting houses, landscaping, that kind of stuff. Enough to pay the bills and get food on the table. Speaking of which…” He went and grabbed two bowls from the cabinet above him, ladling the stew into both and bringing them to the island.</p><p>“...And you’re just okay with that? Burford must be pissed not having the best pilot in Martinez working for him now.” Sulejmani pulled out a stool from under the island and sat down.</p><p>“It took some convincing, but given the… relative peace and general slandering of PMCs as a whole, no one was really hiring our services. Plus, it’s not like anyone can force me to fly. I do it because I want to.” Neil sat down with a couple of spoons and two cans of beer.</p><p>The two ate in comfortable silence. Another round of rain had made its way back and provided some background noise as it hit the roof. Neil and Sulejmani ended up eating seconds, then thirds, but there was still enough stew that Neil decided to save the rest in the fridge. </p><p>“That was… pretty alright,” Sulejmani leaned on the island and sipped his beer.</p><p>“Really? Thanks.” Neil smiled as he went to collect their empty bowls to wash. “No one’s ever tried my cooking but me, so that’s good to hear.”</p><p>Sulejmani scoffed, “What, you don’t have a girlfriend or anything? You’re a fighter pilot, you make a ton of money, you defeated a terrorist organization, you’re handsome, you can cook, you have your own house…Hell, I think that Andersson girl had a crush on you.” He counted all of his points on his fingers. “There’s no way someone like me can be the first person to try your cooking.”</p><p>“Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.” Neil felt a blush creep up onto his face, ‘<em> Did he just call me handsome? Did he even realize he just called me handsome?’ </em> He looked over his shoulder and saw Sulejmani resting his head in his arms and was thankful that he at least wasn’t in a position to see him blushing. “You should go shower,” he suggested.</p><p>“Not gonna help me?” Sulejmani slurred.</p><p>“Y-you don’t need help and I’m busy washing dishes.” </p><p>“Yeah… two bowls, two spoons, and a ladle. Real busy,” Sulejmani pointed out as he got up from his seat and limped his way over so he could look over Neil’s shoulder. He laughed when he saw the other man tense. “How’s it feel now, someone getting all up in your personal business?”</p><p>Neil shut off the water and turned around, noticing how Sulejmani’s face was bright red. “Jesus, not only are you drunk, but you’ve probably got a cold too.” He brought the back of his hand up to the other’s forehead, minding how hot it was and how Sulejmani leaned ever so slightly into his touch.</p><p>“All the more reason to help me?”</p><p>“No. There’s a stool you can use in the shower. Turn the lever left for hot water. Towels are clean. When you’re done you can sleep in the guest room.” With that, Neil gently but firmly pushed Sulejmani away and went to the master bedroom. “If you have any trouble, just shout.” He added before shutting the door a little too hard. He threw off his jacket and landed face first onto the bed. ‘<em> Was he coming on to me? No way, he was just… drunk and delirious… that’s all.’ </em> He was thankful when he heard the shower turn on then, after a while, off, followed by the sounds of a cane making its way to the guest room. Neil sighed, ‘<em>Goodnight, Milosz. </em>’</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>jsyk: song mentioned is "what you won't do for love" by bobby caldwell</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was strange, not waking up in a hospital room for once. For a brief moment, Sulejmani panicked, but remembered the road trip from yesterday and being brought to Neil’s house. </p><p>The guest room he was using was fairly plain. There was a window that looked out to the front of the house, an empty closet, and a full sized bed with a red and green quilt. A clock was placed on the windowsill, reading 8:15AM.</p><p>Sulejmani yawned, fully prepared to go back to sleep again since he really had nothing to look forward to today or any day, now. That is, until he smelled coffee. It took him a while to get up, grabbing the cane leaning against the headboard and shifting onto his feet. One thing that became painfully obvious, more than his bad leg, was a headache and a stuffy feeling in his sinuses. ‘<em> Maybe I should have listened and rolled my window up sooner… Whatever. </em>’ When he left his room, he noticed Neil by the stove again tending to something on a pan. The other didn’t seem to notice that he was awake, so Sulejmani decided to use the opportunity to look around the house more, specifically the bookcases.</p><p>The woodcarvings he caught glimpses of last night all seemed to be of animals like bears, fish, and birds. Some looked too crude to be anything recognizable, but seemed to be as proudly displayed on the shelves as their more defined counterparts. Interspersed were various photographs of people. One was very of a younger Neil, poised and primed in his airman uniform. It was almost difficult to recognize him, given how short his hair was cut back then. There was also the fact that he didn’t really seem like the type of person to be seen in such a stuffy suit anyways. Another was of a man and woman standing beside one another with a child in front of them. The woman wore a long, elegant white dress with a head of fiery red hair tied up in a bun. The man and child both wore matching tuxedos and both sported noticeably bushy eyebrows. ‘<em> These must be… him and his parents. They look happy.’ </em> A dull pang hit Sulejmani’s chest.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, Milosz! I didn’t know you were awake, you should’ve said something,” Neil called from the kitchen. “I’m making omelettes right now and the coffee already brewed if you want some,” he jerked his head to the counter where the coffee maker sat.</p><p>Sulejmani winced, “Don’t yell, it’s 8 in the morning… Going to make my migraine worse.”</p><p>Neil smiled sheepishly, “Sorry ‘bout that… If you’re still feeling under the weather I put out some cold medicine for you.”</p><p>“... Appreciated…” Sulejmani mumbled as he went and took a clean mug from the counter and poured his coffee.</p><p>“Oh…? Is that gratitude I’m hearing for once?” Neil laughed as he folded his second omelette.</p><p>Sulejmani scowled at him, but didn’t say anything. As he took a seat at the island, Neil began plating their breakfast.</p><p>“I saw you were looking at the shelves over there, something caught your eye?”</p><p> </p><p>It took a minute for Sulejmani to think of an answer considering that a few things caught his eye. “Why did you quit the military and become a mercenary?” He settled for a hard-hitting point right off the bat and took joy from the fact that Neil struggled a bit for a reply.</p><p>“Ah, you know… Just realized it wasn’t really my thing…” Neil took a large bite from his omelette when Sulejmani continued to stare at him, expecting a more in-depth reason.</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>Neil sighed, “I don’t have any reason to hide anything from you, but if you must know…” He took another bite, “I got into an “altercation” with one of my superior officers during a mission briefing. Knocked his lights out and got my ass knocked out of the air force because of it.”</p><p>“Ha! Even a goody-two-shoes like you has dirt on them.”</p><p>“Psh. Sorry I don’t like bombing civilian targets.”</p><p>“Mercenaries do that too, you know.”</p><p>“At least a mercenary can decide to take or leave a job.”</p><p>“And lose out on his pay?”</p><p>“Money isn’t everything!” Neil threw up his arms in exasperation. </p><p>“The whole world runs on money whether you like it or not,” Sulejmani pointed with his fork. “Riding around on your high horse of morals just means you’re gonna fall harder in the end.”</p><p>“My “morals” are what’s keeping you alive right now. You think I’m getting a monetary investment for keeping you around? No. I’m doing it because…” Neil trailed off, red in the face from frustration and embarrassment. </p><p>“Because…?”</p><p>“B-because I… wanted to. That is all.” Neil hurriedly shoved the rest of his omelette in his mouth before getting up and putting his plate in the sink. “Feel free to have the rest of the coffee, I’m heading out to feed the girls.”</p><p>“‘The girls’?”</p><p>“Yeah. Where do you think I got the eggs for those omelettes?”</p><p>Before Sulejmani could speak again, Neil had already gone out the door. He folded his arms and scoffed, ‘<em> Damned fool. ‘Because I wanted to.’ Ridiculous. </em> ’ He poured himself another cup of coffee and downed some of the cold medicine. ‘ <em> I want to know the real reason, Antares. You were never a coward in the air, so what’s holding you back now? </em> ’ He stroked his chin, realizing that his beard had grown out significantly over the past two months of leaving it unkempt. ‘ <em> I guess I can understand the ‘caveman’ comparison now… Might as well take care of it while the fool’s gone. </em>’</p><p> </p><p>Meanwhile, Neil sighed as he scattered handfuls of feed out into his backyard. A flock of seven Buff Orpingtons contentedly pecked around the carpet of pine needles for their own breakfast. The rain from yesterday left a faint smell of petrichor and the tops of the trees glistened faintly as their dewdrops caught the morning sun. Neil leaned against the house, inner thoughts tumultuous compared to the peaceful scene around him. ‘<em> Oh, Milosz… What am I going to do with you. No, really, what </em> am <em> I going to do. I had the vaguest idea of a plan, but... </em>’ He growled and sat down, a few curious hens coming over as if to ask what was wrong while picking at his shoelaces. “He really can’t do much as things stand right now, given his leg and all that…” One of the hens stopped to look at him, as if it were listening to his out loud musings. “He’s still got an attitude, which I mean… I’m sort of thankful for that. He’s not a completely broken man… At least, I don’t think he is… What do you think?” The hen looking at him trilled a bit before strutting off again to find more feed to eat. “Right… You all haven’t even met him yet,” Neil got up and patted off the stray pine needles clinging to his pants. When he went back inside the house, he noticed Sulejmani was nowhere to be seen. The pot of coffee had been completely emptied and he put his own dishes in the sink at least. “Milosz…?” He called out, being sure to mind the volume this time. A small wave of relief washed over him when he saw the other man poke his head out from the hallway.</p><p>“I hope you don’t mind me using your shaving razor, not that it would stop me from using it anyways.” The scruffy beard he had was gone, though he still styled his facial hair so he had his familiar mustache and goatee. He also trimmed his bangs a bit, making him look more like the man Neil first saw in the hospital. “Oi… What are you doing? Don’t tell me you’re actually mad about the razor thing.”</p><p>Neil barely registered the fact that he crossed the threshold towards Sulejmani, practically backing him against the wall, until the other man snapped his fingers in his face. He flinched and looked away, “S-sorry, I’m not mad… Just… You look nice…” He rubbed the back of his neck and withdrew.</p><p>“Eh, I look how I always looked, although I wouldn't use the word ‘nice’. Ugly and scary, maybe, but not nice.”</p><p>It sounded like he was making a joke, but Neil still felt that there was a hint of belief in those words. Without thinking, he brought his hands up to cup both of Sulejmani’s cheeks. He felt him tense under his hands for a moment, the faint sound of a breath being suddenly sucked in. “Milosz… You are <em> not </em> ugly or scary. You can be <em> intimidating </em> sometimes, but that doesn’t equate to scary. I mean it when I say you look nice,” his tone was firm, but kind. It took him some effort to say all of that without stuttering, considering that his heart was beating a mile a minute. </p><p>Something within Sulejmani told him that he was waiting for this ever since Neil held his hand in the hospital. He didn’t know why, but it just felt right. It felt like having the day’s first drink of water after spending hours hefting assault rifles around in the desert sun. No, even better than that. With no frame of reference to cling on to, nameless emotions tore him apart. He felt drunk and feverish again, and wondered if the cold medicine even worked. “Antares…” he breathed, trying to get his brain to form a coherent thought, “Neil… What is… happening to me?”</p><p> </p><p>“Huh?” Without warning, Neil had to rush to hold Sulejmani steady as the other man’s knees buckled beneath him. “Shit, Milosz?” As he held him he realized just how clammy his skin felt and how weak his pulse was. ‘<em> Heat exhaustion? It’s still summer, doesn’t help that the only AC in the house is in my room. I’m sure that beer and coffee made him dehydrated too. </em>’ Neil shifted his weight so that he could easily scoop Sulejmani up and carry him to the master bedroom to cool down.</p><p>Sulejmani was still somewhat lucid and weakly tried to grab at Neil’s arm as he set him down on the bed and tried to leave. “Don’t… go…” he whispered.</p><p>“I’m getting you some water and I’ll be right back, okay?” Neil hurried out of the room and came back with a full glass. “I’m gonna sit you up and help you drink.” Using one hand placed between Sulejmani’s shoulders, he kept him supported as he used his other hand to help bring the glass to his lips. “Don’t drink it too fast… Take it one sip at a time.”</p><p>‘<em> He could have easily just let me perish… Bury me somewhere in the forest where no one will find me… Not like anyone would look for me anyway… But, he didn’t… He’s helping me… Why… Why… Why? Why does it feel so nice? I don’t understand... </em>’ He had drunk a fair amount of water and felt himself being gently lowered onto the bed again.</p><p>“I’m going to let you rest here for a bit until you recover. I can’t stay to watch over you the whole time since I have a few phone calls to make, but hopefully it won’t be for too long.” Neil went up to the AC unit and made sure it was running full blast before he left and closed the door.</p><p>Sulejmani wiped his forehead, letting his arm rest on his face for a while. He turned over to a more comfortable position on his stomach, allowing himself to relax a little as cool air brought his body temperature back to normal. He noticed that compared to the bed pillows in the guest room, the ones in this room had a pleasant and distinct smell to them. It was almost flowery with a hint of musk and soap. He wrapped one in his arms, burying his face into the cooled fabric. ‘<em> He won’t mind me… taking a quick nap in his bed… right?’ </em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*breakdances* it's 12 am... here i am writing and uploading... (old habits die hard, it seems) anyways, it makes me ridiculously happy people are liking this fic. thank yall for the comments + kudos *continues to breakdance*</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>i did not forget the rest of the varcolac/rigel boys who basically have the aircraft equivalent of a car boot put on them for the time being (totally not using this as an excuse to avoid writing dog fighting scenes or anything nope) but hey, nothing wrong with volunteer humanitarian aid (neil was the one who persuaded them to do it). anyways, things get a little heated. im not good at writing summaries.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Neil ran his fingers through his hair as he paced around the living room, cell phone held up to his ear. The ringback tone went off a few times before a familiar voice answered.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; Yo, this is Daniel Oruma here! Can I, uh, ask who’s calling? &gt;&gt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oruma? It’s me Ne-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; Oh, Antares! ‘S been a while, huh? Hold on a sec… Yo, guys! Our little scorpion friend is on the other line… &gt;&gt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil could hear some commotion and a few other voices that got picked up on the phone as Oruma presumably brought it away from his ear, namely Gaviria and Kiriakov as the two got closer to the speaker.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; I’m surprised you haven’t forgotten about us yet, amigo! &gt;&gt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; How’s Sulejmani doing? &gt;&gt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Heh, I don’t think I could forget you guys even if I wanted too. Sulejmani’s doing, uh, alright right now,” he glanced back at the door to the bedroom,  “His leg injury hasn’t seemed to hinder him too much. How have you all been holding up?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a fumbling sound as Oruma and Gaviria both tried to speak, apparently Gaviria relented as Oruma’s voice came through again, preceded by an annoyed sigh from Kiriakov.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; Contrary to the name, ‘relief work’ is way harder than they make it out to be. &gt;&gt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; It beats being in prison, though. &gt;&gt; Neil overheard Gaviria say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; I’d rather be up flying again. &gt;&gt; Kiriakov muttered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“‘Those who are spared from the fray get to fly another day’,” Neil recited, “At least try to be patient, Kiriakov. Besides, you at least owe it to the global community to put in a little good towards the world.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; Hmph. Nice mantra, where’d you get it? Your mom or something? &gt;&gt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nah, that came outta my ass.” Neil could hear Oruma snort and Gaviria cackle. “But, seriously, I’ll see about sending a good word about you all to Burford again. I’d like to see us all flying together again eventually, with a little less turncoating next time, of course.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; I can’t make any promises~ &gt;&gt; Oruma joked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; It’ll feel good to get back in the game again. &gt;&gt; Gaviria remarked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; Sulejmani will be with us too, right? &gt;&gt; Kiriakov asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As soon as he’s fit to fly… And if he wants to, yes,” Neil stated. “I have to go make another call, but it was nice hearing you all again.” They all made their goodbyes and Neil hung up, dialing up his next call.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; This is Lieutenant Colonel Frederick Burford, Martinez Security… Judging from the caller ID, I’m guessing it’s you, Antares? &gt;&gt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sharp as ever, Burford…” Neil shook his head, “Just wanted to give you an update that everyone in Rigel has been doing well, compared to, well, two months ago.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; That’s good to hear. What would be even better to hear is that you’re joining up with the company again? &gt;&gt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry, boss, but it’s still too early for that. It’s nice that I’m still wanted, though, even after two months.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; Aces like you are far and few between, Antares. You’ll always have a place in Martinez. &gt;&gt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“‘Preciated, Burford.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; How has Sulejmani been treating you? Any difficulties? &gt;&gt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“N-no, no difficulties… It’ll be hard finding something for him to do, his leg and all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; Mm. That could be for the better. &gt;&gt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sir?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>&lt;&lt; It’s going to take a lot for me to gain whatever trust I last had in him, Antares. Not everyone can be as forgiving as you. I have to cut this call short, but thank you for the update. &gt;&gt;</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No problem, sir.” Neil hung up and sighed. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Should I give mom and dad a call…?</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ He looked again to the bedroom door. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Mm… No…’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>He pocketed his phone and went to check on Sulejmani. When he opened the door, he saw him curled up, clutching one of his pillows. “Uh… Milosz?” No reply. Neil walked over, seeing the glass of water on the nightstand was empty now. The steady rising and falling of Sulejmani’s chest being the other indication that he was at least alive still. Neil sat on the edge of the bed by the other man’s feet, observing him. Even when asleep, he still looked tense, slightly frowning and brows somewhat furrowed. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Should I wake him up and get him some more water?’</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Who were you talking to?” Sulejmani didn’t bother opening his eyes or moving to unmuffle his words from the pillow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil started, “Oh! Uh, your old flight mates… They’re doing alright, before you ask. Relief work in Southwest Asia.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you… feeling better now? I can get you more water if you want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“‘No’ to which one?” Neil offered lightheartedly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No to either…” Sulejmani tightened his grip on the pillow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh… I can get you your pain medic-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want you to answer something for me,” Sulejmani asserted as he sat himself up, still holding onto the pillow. “What does it feel like, when someone touches you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm? Well… If it’s like… a hug from my parents or my friends then it feels… good, I guess? But, if someone’s arguing with me and they push me or something, then I get pissed off… Is that what you’re asking?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about burning?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Burning? I mean… Being pissed off is like a burning feeling, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What if you’re not ‘pissed off’?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm…” Neil pursed his lips, “Are you asking this… Because of what happened earlier? I think that burning feeling of yours was from your fev-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was before that,” Sulejmani interrupted, sounding impatient, “Back at the hospital… You… I…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“W-was I overstepping? Agh, I should’ve known the flowers were too m-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Would you just shut up for once!” Sulejmani threw the pillow at Neil’s head. “It wasn’t just the flowers, but when you held my hand, and wiped my tears, and after that… The chocolate, the cigarette, and now… I feel like I’m losing my mind again!” He held his head in his hands, “And it’s more than just this… burning feeling. It’s like a boiling in my gut… my chest. It all started with you, Antares.” He practically glowered at Neil from between his fingers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you… Still mad that I shot you down?” Neil pondered and looked down, picking at his thumbnail.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A little bit, honestly, yeah. If you hadn’t come in, I wouldn’t be here right now. I would’ve gotten my money and finally left this sorry chapter of life of mine for good! But now I have to deal with this!” he gestured towards himself, “With you!” he gestured towards Neil. His face was thoroughly flushed now, a familiar churning sensation in his stomach and a dry feeling in his throat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It took a while for Neil to respond. He didn’t look at Sulejmani as he rubbed the back of his neck, “I’m gonna be honest, things have been… confusing, I guess, for me too. Dealing with this… and you...,” he gestured towards himself and Sulejmani as the other had done. “I had some idea that taking on the responsibility of rehabilitating you wasn’t going to be a walk in the park, but… I’m not gonna quit on you and I don’t want you quitting on me, or most importantly, yourself. Sometimes… I get that burning feeling too, the one you described… But, whenever it happens, I just feel… I don’t know… Scared of it, I guess...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It feels like dying.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Heh, well, I wouldn’t say that…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If dying is the painful anticipation of what’s to come… then it feels like that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“M-Milosz… Sorry if I’m prying too much right now, but have you ever been in love before?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani scoffed, “People like me don’t get that privilege. That’s something for little princes and princesses in fairytales.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“People…” Neil sighed, “Milosz, love isn’t a privilege… It just happens.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Be honest with me, Antares. Look at me. You think anyone’s ever loved me? That I loved anyone back? The answer’s no and will always be no. I said it myself, my own parents, the very first people that should have ever ‘loved’ me, sold me off as soon as they could. Love means nothing in this world. I’m living proof of that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil balled his fists, “That’s not true,” his words were barely audible.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What? Do you think I lied to you back then?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No… Because… I think that… erm…” Neil started fidgeting with his fingers more, a slow blush creeping across his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Out with it, I know you’ve been hiding something from me from the start and it’s high time I heard it,” Sulejmani snapped.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I th-think… Oh, jeez… I think I’m in love with… </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Neil brought the pillow that was thrown at him up to his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani couldn’t say anything as his mouth hung loosely from his face. He didn’t know if he should be… happy? Upset? Suspicious? It was hard to tell if Neil was lying considering that he was keeping his face conveniently hidden. When he brought his hands up to drag the pillow away, he was met with little resistance. Neil still tried avoiding eye contact, red as a tomato and an indignant pouting look on his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It started off as something… silly, really,” Neil began, unprompted, “My feelings came up before all of this, but the tulips were my first ‘confession’… I figured you wouldn’t know a lot about the language of flowers, so I chose some that didn’t only look nice, but meant something nice too, even if you wouldn’t get it or understand. I think that burning you feel… some of it can be attributed to anger, and rightfully so, but I think... you’re in love too, whether you believe it or not.” Neil finally turned towards Sulejmani and gently brought his hands up to his face like how he did back in the hallway. He felt him tense again, but he didn’t move away. “See? You’re burning right now, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani held on to every word, but as soon as Neil’s skin came into contact with him, he couldn’t seem to focus. Despite the air conditioner in the room, he felt like he was boiling inside and out. He slowly nodded his head in response to Neil’s question and gulped when he felt his thumbs brush his cheeks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want me to let go?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani said nothing as he brought his own hands up to hold Neil’s wrists in place. A strangled sound hitched in his throat, as if he was going to speak, but couldn’t find the words. He looked at Neil, regarding how warmly his eyes appeared, how they seemed to stare, not through him, but into him. He felt himself beginning to cry again. He honestly thought it was embarrassing, crying like this when another person was present. He felt the hands on his face move slightly, bringing him so that his head rested against Neil’s shoulder. The hands repositioned themselves so that one held the back of his head while the other was placed on his back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Milosz,” Neil murmured as he embraced the other man. He felt hands snake around his back in reciprocation, shaking, then clenching the fabric beneath them as Sulejmani shuddered, heaving out a choked sob. Neil slowly patted his hair and back as the other man buried his face in his shoulder, wetting it with his tears.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Help… me…” Sulejmani croaked out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I will, buddy, I will,” Neil reassured.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t… go…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t. I’ll stay for as long as you want me to.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani tightened his grip on Neil. Now that he was this close to him, the smell from the pillows was even stronger and strangely comforting. He felt warm and solid, more so than how he felt when they hugged in that dream from a few nights ago. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I wonder… if I can get used to this. This feeling called ‘love’... Am I allowed to have it? I want to know.’</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>finally not writing past 12am!! i have progressed to merely uploading at 12am instead! *dies*</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>comfort, cuddles, questions. nobody knows what they're doing. c'est la vie.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Neil sat and comforted Sulejmani as his crying died down to small sniffles and the occasional hiccup. The two had parted so they sat beside each other on the edge of the mattress, Neil’s hand still resting on Sulejmani’s back. “Feeling better?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… don’t know,” he confessed. “It isn’t like I wanted… or liked crying in front of you.” He folded his arms, “The hug was nice, though…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil chuckled, “You don’t seem to know a lot of things, huh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sulejmani shot an indignant look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil flinched, “S-sorry, didn’t mean it like an insult… I mean that you’ve… missed out a lot on life is all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tch.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, that’s not a bad thing! At least you’ve got me to help you along, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I suppose… But, what now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil rested his arms behind his head and flopped backwards onto the bed. “Well, I got my big confession out of the way… To be honest, I’ve never really done any of this, so I’m at as much of an impasse as you are.” Neil stared at the ceiling for a minute before his face lit up, “Wait! You’ve never said you loved me yet!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought that was a given already…” Sulejmani grumbled and looked away when he saw Neil staring at him. “I’m not going to say it out loud if that’s what you’re expecting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil whined and sat up, “Why not? It’s just three little words.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani squinted at him, “What I want to know is why you, of all people, love someone like me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil tilted his head, “Well… I think you’re handsome. I think you’re a skilled pilot. I can tell that despite your own personal goals you still cared about your squadron when you flew with them. You’re passionate and hard-working. You’re the type of person that doesn’t settle for less. You’re decisive. You-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, okay, enough!” Sulejmani went red in the face as Neil kept counting points on his fingers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? Not used to getting complimented so much?” Neil smirked before a second pillow was thrown at his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like you better when you don’t talk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey! That’s kind of close to a confession, if you think about it,” Neil tossed the pillows towards the headboard and stood up. I’ve got work in a few hours, but I’ll hopefully be back for supper. He felt Sulejmani’s forehead, “You’re still a bit feverish, want me to get you anything while I’m out?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani lightly pushed his hand away, “If your ‘work’ is in a few hours, why are you getting up now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want me to stay with you a bit longer?” Neil waggled his eyebrows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani looked unamused at his response, “Just answer the question.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I was going to make another call to my folks, clean the house a bit, little stuff like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can’t they wait?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You really want me to stay, huh…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani moved so he lied closer to the opposite side of the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil sighed, “Alright, but only for ten minutes…” He pulled his phone out and set a timer on it. Kicking off the sneakers he had on, he settled himself beside Sulejmani. As soon as he did, he felt the other man’s arms wrap around him, pulling the two closer together. Even though Sulejmani was taller, he was curled up so Neil’s chin rested on the top of his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What work do you have today?” Sulejmani mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was gonna go deliver some eggs around since a few people were interested in them. My kind of chickens don’t lay a lot per year so they go for a fair price. High quality too, as evidenced by the trial run this morning,” Neil smiled and closed his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To think that you’ve spent the last two months… doing things like this.” There was a slight, accusatory edge to Sulejmani’s tone. “Why stop flying? You seemed good enough at that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil’s smile faded, though he kept his eyes closed, “Trust me, I still like flying, nets good money too, but… I was just… tired. I needed a break from all of that. Plus, I don’t think I would’ve been able to take care of you properly if I were still in Martinez right now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’d quit your job... for me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not quit, put on hold,” Neil clarified. “And don’t feel like you’re holding me down or anything, I wanted to do this, remember?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not right…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil shifted so that he could look down at Sulejmani, “What’s not right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani didn’t move, instead of meeting Neil’s eyes he continued to stare off into space, “Making money doing what you’re good at, then pushing it all away for one person…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil playfully karate chopped his shoulder, “C’mon, don’t talk like that. Love makes people do stupid things like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then why fall in love?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Meh, beats me.” Sulejmani straightened his back so he could halfheartedly headbutt Neil’s jaw. “Ouch… Listen, I don’t know what idea of me you have in your head, but I don’t have all the answers to big questions like that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani turned over so his back was facing Neil, “This is too complicated for me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil rolled so he faced the ceiling, “Well, just consider it a learning experience for the both of us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re too optimistic…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that a bad thing?” Neil waited, but didn’t bother pressing the issue further when Sulejmani didn’t respond. The last few minutes on the timer ran out and he got up, slipping back into his sneakers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... Another ten minutes?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Milosz… Promise it won’t be another interrogation session?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It won’t,” he snapped. “Promise,” he added a little more softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well… if you say so, I’m happy to oblige,” Neil took off his sneakers and hopped onto the bed again. “When the timer goes off, that’s it, okay?” He wrapped his arms around Sulejmani, who still had his back turned towards him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine…” He tried his best to ignore how warm Neil’s body was, pressed against him, and how well they seemed to fit together. He especially tried to ignore how his breath ghosted the back of his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re pretty tense, y’know that? Relax a little.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani grumbled, “Easier said than done…” Eventually, he did relax, though not for long enough as the timer soon followed. He followed through with his promise as Neil left to tend to his own devices, despite part of him practically clawing into his mind and out of his skin, craving for more. It honestly terrified him a little. Those feelings died down in time, but they left him wondering. “This really is going to be a learning experience…” he griped out loud, bringing a pillow up to smother his face.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>short chapter... *looks at the time* OH GOD D-</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>neil gets some well needed advice from good ol' mom and pop. other things happen.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Neil paced between the living room and the kitchen as he waited for his parents to pick up the phone.</p><p> </p><p>There was a crackling sound on the other end before an old, grizzled voice came through. &lt;&lt; ...Hello? &gt;&gt;</p><p>Neil tried to put on a cheerful face, “Heya, Dad, it’s m-”</p><p>&lt;&lt; Oh, Neil! About time you called. Your mother and I- Hold on, let me put it on speaker… &gt;&gt;</p><p>Neil heard his dad fumble with the phone for a bit before another feminine, but weathered voice came through.</p><p>&lt;&lt; Neil? Your father and I have been worried about you, you know. Last time you called us you said you had some work down in San Fran and then right after there were the attacks and- &gt;&gt;</p><p>“I know, I know and I’m sorry for making you guys worry. I’ve just been… really busy lately, so I haven’t had the time to call.”</p><p>&lt;&lt; I’m just glad to hear you’re alright. &gt;&gt; His father rumbled.</p><p>His mother sighed, &lt;&lt; I’m happy, too. Speaking of work, how has it been? Any trouble? You said you got a job as a… stockbroker? &gt;&gt;</p><p>Neil sweat a little despite only being on the phone, “W-work’s been… fine. I’m taking a little break right now since the offices took a hit during the attacks, but don’t worry! I’ve saved a bit up to afford an… extended vacation.”</p><p>His father seemed to nod at his words, &lt;&lt; Good to hear, good to hear… Well, if everything’s alright then- &gt;&gt;</p><p>“W-wait, don’t hang up! I have another reason for calling… A question, actually.”</p><p>&lt;&lt; Well, shoot. &gt;&gt; His mother urged.</p><p>Neil sat down on one of the couches and sighed, “How do I put this… Uh, how did you two, like… before you got married… You dated, right? How did you go about… that?”</p><p>&lt;&lt; About time you’ve gotten yourself a lady-friend. That <em> is </em> why you’re asking, right? Oh my go- &gt;&gt;</p><p>&lt;&lt; Settle down, now… &gt;&gt; Neil overheard his father trying to calm his mother’s excitement. &lt;&lt; If you’re asking what you should do in the event that you find, or found, your ‘special someone,’ then you take them for a date. Now, it can’t just be anywhere. It’s gotta be somewhere that she would like to go to. &gt;&gt;</p><p>Neil cleared his throat, “A-actually… Nevermind… What if you don’t exactly know where… ‘she’ would like to go?”</p><p>Neil’s father and mother both hummed in thought. His mother spoke out first, &lt;&lt; Then go somewhere that you would like. Somewhere special to you, personally. Trust me, works like a charm. &gt;&gt; He heard his father cough a little.</p><p>&lt;&lt; Don’t be like us and take it too fast now, if you know what I mean. Don’t want your own kid attending his parent’s wedding… Not like that’s a bad thing! But, just letting you know… &gt;&gt;</p><p>Neil sighed, “Thanks, dad… for that…”</p><p>&lt;&lt; Thank <em> you </em>for calling, kiddo. And good luck, by the way. &gt;&gt; His father was about to hang up when his mother interrupted.</p><p>&lt;&lt; Oh, wait! Is she pretty? Where’s she from? What does she do for a living? &gt;&gt;</p><p> </p><p>Neil froze up a little at the bombardment of questions, “H-hee hoo... Look at the time. I got some errands to do, so I have to go now, bye!” Neil immediately hung up his cell phone and almost instinctively threw it away at the wall in front of him. Instead of focusing on the embarrassment from the call, he thought about the advice his mother had given him. ‘<em> Somewhere special to me… I’ve got it! </em> ’ He sprung up from his seat. ‘ <em> If it’s gonna be there, the next thing to worry about is </em> when <em> we go… But, work before worrying </em> .’ He went along to do some household chores: dusting, sweeping, cleaning out the oven, he even went ahead and cleaned most of the bathroom, cringing a bit when he realized he should’ve done a lot of this stuff <em> before </em> he had brought Sulejmani over to practically live with him. ‘ <em> Ah, well… Better now than never, I suppose. </em>’ Once he finished up he checked on Sulejmani again. </p><p>“Yo, Milosz. I’m about to head out for this afternoon. Have any special requests for anything when I get back? I could refund you on that chocolate I took yesterday...”</p><p>“No.” Sulejmani still had a pillow covering his face.</p><p>Neil shrugged, “All right, then. See ya in a few hours.”</p><hr/><p>It was dark by the time Neil came home. ‘<em> I really hope Milosz doesn’t mind having that stew again… I’m beat…’ </em>He took out the leftovers from the fridge and started heating them up on the stove top. Sulejmani must have heard him come in and start cooking, because the other man groggily shuffled into the kitchen, taking a seat at the island.</p><p>“Did you get me anything while you were out?” He yawned as asked.</p><p>Neil chuckled, “When I left you said you didn’t want anything, but…” He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a bar of chocolate, “I was saving this for myself, but if you really want it…” Sulejmani immediately tried reaching for it before Neil pulled it away. “Ah. You can only have it after dinner, which is some leftover stew from last night, if you don’t mind.”</p><p>Sulejmani grumbled and leaned back against the counter top, “So long as it tastes as good as it did yesterday, I don’t care.”</p><p>Neil smiled a little as he turned back to stir the pot, “Apparently, the weather is supposed to be pretty clear for the next few days.”</p><p>Sulejmani cocked an eyebrow, “And? Why should I care?”</p><p>“Well, I was thinking of taking you out.”</p><p>“You mean to kill me?”</p><p>“Not <em> that </em> kind of ‘take out!’” Neil blushed a little, “I mean like, a… uh… date.” Neil winced as a prolonged silence took up the space around them. As the stew reached a desired temperature, he began spooning it into two bowls, carrying them to where Sulejmani was. The entire time he did this, the other man watched him with a certain air of suspicion on his face.</p><p>“A date sounds a little frivolous if you ask me. You expect me to pretty myself up and go to some overpriced restaurant with you?”</p><p>Neil minded himself to not break out the alcohol again and opted on pouring two glasses of water instead. “It’s not frivolous… You’ve never been on a date before, right? You don’t always have to dress up nice and go to fancy restaurants. Where I was thinking, you wouldn’t even have to change out of the clothes you’re in now. Besides, you’re already good-looking the way you are now.”</p><p>“Ever the smooth talker, aren’t you?” Sulejmani bowed his head as he started eating, trying to hide the hint of blush on his face. “If it’s not a restaurant or anything, then where exactly are you thinking of taking me?”</p><p>Neil brought a finger up to his lips, “It’s a secret, but if memory serves correctly, we’ll have to go within the next couple of days.”</p><p>“And why is that?” Sulejmani squinted.</p><p>“Secret!” Neil hushed him and started digging into his meal.</p><p>Sulejmani scoffed and didn’t bother pressing further. ‘<em> He acts pretty immature sometimes… Old enough to take down terrorist organizations, but frets over dates and secrets. When I was around his age I…’ </em> His thoughts trailed off as he remembered the various acts he did at the time. Killings, mostly. Sometimes armed escort work for the leader of some third world country who would occasionally get killed by him and his squad anyways a few days later, when another patron with more money came into the picture. ‘ <em> Right… He and I… are fundamentally different. Of course I wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t in the first place </em>…’ He was interrupted from his thoughts by Neil.</p><p>“I was thinking of going tomorrow, since your cold should be gone or at least have died down significantly by then,” he said through mouthfuls of food.</p><p>“Fine.” Sulejmani wasn’t sure if it were his thoughts or his sickness that was making him feel particularly “out of it” at the moment. He knew that normal people didn’t have an upbringing like him, but unlike other times, thinking about it again right now made him feel… wrong. Thirty some-odd years it took to finally feel, what, remorse? It was a strange feeling that slowly sunk into him. A consequence of truly acknowledging how alien he was to the majority of the world.</p><p>“Are you not feeling hungry? Or is the stew really that bad on the second time around?” Neil tried to joke, but put a reassuring hand on Sulejmani’s back as he watched the other man slip into a familiar daze. “Y’know, if it helps, you can always talk to me if something’s bothering you… And if you don’t want to talk, then at least try eating a bit more. You’re still a little sick, remember?”</p><p>“In what ways?” Sulejmani muttered under his breath. He shivered when he felt Neil shift to lean on his shoulder, hand still on his back. Slowly, he let himself relax, though not too much. After sitting like that for a moment, he finally found the resolve to continue eating.</p><p>“I’m always gonna be here for you, if you need me. Don’t forget that.” Neil straightened and went to put his bowl in the sink. “Since you’re still eating, I’m gonna go ahead and shower first, if that’s alright.”</p><p>“Don’t know why you have to bother saying that, just go,” Sulejmani waved his hand.</p><p>As Neil left, Sulejmani wondered about this supposed “date” scheduled for tomorrow. Given the flowers he had received from his time at the hospital and the occasional moments of charm, he was expecting that Neil had something mawkishly romantic in mind. Then again, his humble attitude and style erased most thoughts of candlelit dinners and flashy theme parks. ‘<em> Only time will tell, as they say, </em>’ Sulejmani mused as he finished his bowl.</p><hr/><p>Neil had donned a slightly over sized t-shirt emblazoned with the logo of an old rock band and some plain boxer shorts before exiting the bathroom, contentedly sighing as the cool air hit his skin. He poked his head in the living room, seeing that Sulejmani was no longer in the kitchen, and caught him looking at some of the things on his shelves again. He was holding one of the wood carvings Neil made when he was younger, carefully turning it around in his hand with a surprisingly thoughtful look on his face. Sulejmani must have seen him out of the corner of his eye, however, as he immediately put it back and donned a more taciturn expression. Neil frowned a bit, “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt whatever you were doing.” He walked over, noticing how Sulejmani flinched and looked away as he stepped into the room. Confused for a moment, Neil realized that his shirt was long enough to cover his shorts.</p><p>“I don’t care how much you’re into me, the least you could do is wear some pants.”</p><p>Neil balked, “N-no, wait. I’m wearing shorts, see?” He barely was able to lift his shirt the few inches it needed before the other man turned his back towards him in a hurry. </p><p>“Alright! I believe you, you don’t have to show me,” Sulejmani stammered out as heat rose to his face.</p><p>Neil snorted and shook his head before turning his attention to the wood carvings. “So, which one did you like?”</p><p>Sulejmani turned around, trying his best to avoid looking at any exposed skin past Neil’s shirt. “T-that one,” he pointed at a crudely shaped sphere with two lumps protruding from the top. On what could only be assumed to be the front of it, three holes were carved in, creating a cartoonish “o” face. Beside it was a much more intricately carved figure of a bear, shaped in such a way that it almost seemed to be walking with the angular sphere-animal, guiding it along.</p><p>Neil smiled, “Yep, that was my attempt at a bear cub. It’s kind of funny, I used to think it looked pretty good when I first made it, but it really is derpy looking, huh?”</p><p>“Who made the other one?” Sulejmani pointed to the bear.</p><p>“Ah, that one, and all the other nicer looking ones, was my mom’s.”</p><p>“She was skilled...”</p><p>“She still is! Although, that didn’t really get passed on to me,” Neil sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.</p><p>“At least you’re good at flying.”</p><p>“Yeah, but that was really of my own volition, neither of my parents were pilots.”</p><p>“Then why did you choose that path?”</p><p>“Well… To be honest, I wanted to be an astronaut.”</p><p>Sulejmani laughed, “An astronaut, really?”</p><p>“Yeah, my dad was really into space and stuff, but I still think it would be nice, you know? Being able to see Earth from all the way up there…” Despite being indoors, Neil tilted his head to the ceiling, almost as if it didn’t exist.</p><p>While he was wistfully lost in thought, Sulejmani took the time to observe Neil. His skin was still a little red from the heat of the shower and his hair wasn’t in its usual ponytail, darkened strands sticking to his forehead and the nape of his neck like curves of fire. Sulejmani instinctively gulped and froze when Neil looked to him at the sound.</p><p>He looked smugly at Sulejmani, “Something caught your eye?” he mimicked his words from earlier this morning.</p><p>“Y-... No… You just… Reminded me that I need to go shower,” he hurriedly limped forward and pushed Neil aside. He made his way to the bathroom, quickly slamming the door behind him and leaning against it, trying to steady his breathing. A feeling of anticipation filled his chest as he brought a hand to his face, ‘<em> How am I ever going to survive a date with this man? </em>’ </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the time it takes me to write irl vs how the story actually progresses is so strange to me... what do you mean a single day took 4 chapters to cover over the course of a week??? pacing??? what??? never heard of her. anyways... date next chapter... where will they go... what will happen... it's a mystery...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>it's date! date things! wah!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>An uneventful day had come and gone, doing nothing to help ease Sulejmani’s nerves. Today was supposed to be the day of their date, but the sun was already setting. Pacing was too strenuous for him, so he had to settle on releasing his frustrations by sitting on the couch, tapping his cane against the hardwood floor to no specific rhythm. Neil was going around the house, expressing his own brand of restlessness trying to find things to pack. The only hint Sulejmani received on the nature of their date was that bug spray and a blanket were necessities. “Shouldn’t you have looked for those earlier, instead of waiting until the last minute?” he chided.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil had brought a drawstring bag into the kitchen with him, putting some bottles of water in it, as well as a few other snack foods. “I didn’t want to spoil anything for you. Speaking of which, once we get in the car, can you keep your eyes closed until we get there?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please?” Neil put on an over exaggerated pouting face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does it really mean that much to you if I do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani sighed, “I’ll humor you just this once…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Perfect!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that was how Sulejmani was now sitting in the passenger seat of Neil’s truck, holding his hands up to his face as if he were playing hide-and-seek. Neil kept glancing over to make sure he wasn’t peeking, which he was half inclined to do, but he figured that if this date was hinging on keeping his eyes covered for the ride there then he didn’t mind cooperating for a bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The car ride wasn’t too long and was peacefully quiet. They rolled to a stop as Neil pulled off to the side of the road. Sulejmani tried bringing his hands down, but Neil told him to wait a little longer until the two were out of the car. He heard him get out, followed by the crunching of grass and the blanket unfurling. Finally, he opened the passenger door, helping Sulejmani exit the vehicle. “May I open them now?” he asked curtly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled his hands back, blinking a little, though it didn’t take long for his eyes to adjust given the imperceptible difference in light. They were a few hundred yards past the edge of the forest, surrounded by hilly plains. Further down the road, the forest seemed to continue again, giving rise to a distant mountain range. The sun had gone down significantly, the sky a deep indigo with just a sliver of red on the horizon. While it was picturesque, there was nothing else of interest. No landmarks, no travelling fair occupying the vacant field. “Are you sure we’re in the right place?” he voiced his doubts as he looked around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yep, though we are here a little early…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Early for what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll see,” Neil winked cryptically. He went to shut off the lights of his truck, grabbing the bag of food and bringing it to the blanket he laid out. “You wanna sit down?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm… Wanna stretch your legs out for a bit, I see. Well, if you’re gonna do that… Check this out.” Neil walked further out into the field, the grass becoming significantly taller than how it was beside the road.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Where do you think you’re going?” Sulejmani called after him. The grass only went up to Neil’s waist, but it still made him anxious. “You think proper etiquette is leaving your date on the side of the road?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I didn’t know you cared for etiquette, Milosz. Besides, I’m not leaving you. Think of this as part of the date!” Neil spun around, as he did, motes of light dispersed from the grass. “Are you just going to stand there?” Neil looked expectantly at Sulejmani.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As cliche as it sounded in Sulejmani’s head, he looked absolutely… magical. He felt himself move, gradually making his way to where Neil stood.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you think?” He grinned as he opened his arms and stepped back, causing more lights to be dislodged from the grass.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Beautiful…’</span>
  </em>
  <span> a voice in his mind echoed, not realizing that he was looking solely at Neil. Eventually, he did realize this and turned his head away with a start. “It’s… They’re just fireflies,” Sulejmani mumbled, but still slowly brushed a hand over the tops of the grass, disturbing a few of the bugs as he went. A cool breeze gently stirred around them, causing the grass to bend like waves, their curves reflecting the light of the moon above.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Autumn’s coming soon...” Neil spoke absentmindedly, almost as if he were reminding himself of the fact. His head turned to follow the wind, eventually bending upwards. He smiled a little, “My dad used to take me here when I was younger… I wanted to take you somewhere precious to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani didn’t say anything, instead he too followed Neil’s gaze to the sky. Against the inky color of space, a watercolor blend of green, blues, and purples diffused the firmament. A swirling, cloud-like river arced from up and over the horizon, an innumerable number of stars silently filled their places as the last hints of sunlight retreated. The wind blew again, almost as if the heavens themselves were trying to drag Sulejmani into them. He stumbled, unsure if vertigo was getting to him, or if he were just that awestruck with what he saw. Regardless, Neil was swift to catch him, easing him out of the tall grass and onto the blanket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A lot of people don’t get to see the sky like this, so I don’t blame your reaction,” Neil chuckled as the pair sat down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I can begin to understand why you would want to be an astronaut…” Sulejmani mused as he continued to stare into space.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil began rifling through the bag, taking out the bottles of water and snacks which consisted of chocolates, apple slices, and a container of mixed nuts. “Variety is the spice of life,” he justified to Sulejmani who gave an amused look at the selection.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to feed me like some ancient king?” he snidely remarked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want me to?” Neil replied sincerely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani was taken aback at how earnest he was, fumbling with his words, “N… M-maybe just one piece of apple…” He looked away as red colored his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil took a slice, biting it in half so it was easier to work with, and held it out to Sulejmani.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>God, I can’t believe I’m doing this.</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ He closed his eyes and leaned forward, taking the sweet and crisp fruit from Neil’s fingers with his mouth. He felt warmth pool in his gut, but he desperately tried to blame it on simply getting food into his stomach. “T-thanks…” was all he could muster.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Want to try feeding me? I’ll have an almond if you could fish one out that tin.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, ah, s-sure…” Sulejmani took a while to find an almond in his daze. When he looked up, he saw Neil patiently waiting with his eyes closed and mouth open. He breathed in and steeled himself, tentatively placing the almond on his tongue. As soon as it left his hold, he recoiled his hand, though not fast enough as his fingers slightly brushed Neil’s lips. The other man didn’t seem to notice or care as he contentedly munched on his treat, giving Sulejmani a thumbs up in gratitude. Sulejmani shook his head and sighed, taking a cashew and popping it into his mouth. “The longer I’m with you, the more it feels like I’m going crazy…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mm.” Sulejmani grunted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll take that as a good thing,” Neil concluded as he moved a bit closer to lean his head on Sulejmani’s shoulder. He looked around the sky for a bit before his face lit up, “Look! There I am!” He pointed south east, a few ways above the horizon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani looked to him and to where he was pointing where he saw a bright, reddish star. “I didn’t think you were that self-absorbed to consider yourself a star.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil gave him a playful punch on the arm, “No, really. That star right there is Antares, ‘The Heart of the Scorpion’.” He traced his finger downwards, following the curving shape of the constellation, Scorpius. “Rigel is the name of a star, too! It’s a part of Orion, which is kind of ironic when you think about it…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How so?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“According to myth, Scorpius killed Orion and was made to eternally chase him across the night sky, which is apparently the reason why you never see them together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I suppose that is ironic…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad the real story doesn’t go like that, though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani hummed in agreement, unconsciously leaning his head against Neil’s. Even though the night had cooled the air around them, he felt warm inside, almost sickeningly so. He hated the feeling, not so much the warmth, but the self-loathing that came with it. As much as part of him wanted to indulge in it fully, another part held him back with a cruel and unforgiving grip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Milosz?” Neil whispered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil fidgeted with his hands, moving so he wasn’t leaning on Sulejmani anymore. He opened his mouth and closed it again a few times as he sat with his eyes downcast. “Um…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you having trouble with this time?” Sulejmani sighed at Neil’s suddenly reserved display.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I hope it’s not asking much, but… C-can I kiss you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“H-huh?” Sulejmani jolted back. Was he hearing things? It almost sounded like…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I kiss you?” Neil said more firmly this time, though a coy blush tinted his cheeks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani gulped and looked around as if he could find an answer somewhere within the stars. A firefly lazily drifted between them as he contemplated Neil’s request. “A kiss…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It doesn’t have to be on the lips, mind you!” Neil rushed out. “A-and it’s just gonna be one anyways, I mean, u-unless you want more than one then-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never… done that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kissing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mm.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh…” Neil looked away, “S-sorry, I figured that’d be too much, huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If it’s going to be anyone, then, I want my first… to be you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Milosz…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani turned so his body faced Neil, “Don’t screw this up,” he sounded stern, and Neil found it funny, if not pressuring, that Sulejmani was entrusting him with his first kiss so seriously. “I don’t care where or how many times, I want to see what your true potential is like.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Sulejmani looked nonplussed as Neil wiped a tear from his eye, “S-sorry you just sound… pft. God, you sound like one of my flight instructors.” He quelled his fit of laughter, “True potential, huh?” He took a moment to heed Sulejmani’s face. “You gotta close your eyes, Milosz.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani groaned, “Again?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want the kiss or not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” Sulejmani closed his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have to relax, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He furrowed his brows, but complied, chest deflating and shoulders going slack. He focused on steadying his breathing, which became difficult as he felt a familiar hand cup his cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tilt your head a little… Sorry for all the instructions, by the way,” Neil added.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani angled his head and heard the rustling of fabric as Neil closed the distance between them. He felt a warm breath linger on his lips for a couple of moments. He wanted to open his eyes, move away even, as his heart rate climbed. But, he stayed. Stayed long enough to feel a soft pair of lips hesitantly press into his chapped ones. Stayed long enough to feel them press into him again and again, each one more bolder than the last. Another hand joined to cup his other cheek as Neil moved to kiss his jawline, then forehead, then temple. The warmth inside of him spread and increased to a fire like intensity. He felt himself moving to meet Neil’s lips now, a bit rougher than intended as he heard a barely audible whimper come from the other man. He eased off, allowing Neil to push back a bit as they held that kiss between them. Sulejmani experimentally licked Neil’s lips, tasting the salt from the almond and a hint of sweetness from the apple. Neil apparently didn’t mind as he parted his lips, and Sulejmani followed suit, allowing the series of fervent, but chaste pecks to become much deeper. He reached to grab Neil’s waist, clutching the fabric of his shirt to keep himself steady as they explored each other’s mouths. The two finally broke free, breathing heavily as they tried to catch their breaths. Sulejmani’s head was spinning. He reached for one of the bottles of water, practically chugging the entire thing down in one go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil had the same idea, and he let out a refreshed gasp as he quenched his thirst. “Holy shit…” He let out a breathy laugh as he ran his fingers through his hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sulejmani couldn’t even speak. He just leaned back onto the blanket, letting out one shaky breath after another as his pulse stabilized.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil lied down beside him, intertwining his fingers with Sulejmani’s. “Did I screw anything up?” he asked jokingly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took a while for Sulejmani to respond, still in a daze and catching his breath, “You… That was… Interesting…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Heh, ‘Interesting,’ he says…” Neil looked at the sky. “You didn’t do too bad for your first time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thanks…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neil squeezed his hand lightly, “Do you think you can say you love me now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can barely… say anything right now…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah, right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They laid in silence, watching the stars and fireflies flicker above them. Neil could have swore he felt Sulejmani squeeze his hand back, and that alone was enough to set his mind at peace.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i actually researched a sky map to get the approximate location of antares at the time and date this fic takes place as well as the location where neil + milosz were physically at. also, was project aces aware of the scorpius and orion myth? was this their plan all along? allusions to ancient myths put on modern-era characters makes me *clutches chest and screams*</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sulejmani let out a shaky breath. Even though the cool air was refreshing, it did not halt the beads of perspiration that gathered around his face and neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you wanna slow down?” Neil sounded quite winded himself as he wiped some sweat off of his flushed cheek with his forearm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t bother… Almost there anyway…” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t want to push you, your leg is still not completely healed and-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...If you say so.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was already fall, the haze of summer giving way to an array of vibrant reds, oranges, and golds. Neil decided this was the best time to take Sulejmani to the different hiking trails that he frequented when he was younger, although this one was probably the most arduous of them all. The pair trudged up a steep incline, using the exposed roots from the surrounding maple trees as natural stairs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani took the lead at Neil’s behest, although he did feel a little bad at how slow he was going.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re doing great, Milosz,” Neil encouraged as he traveled a few feet behind, seemingly reading the other man’s thoughts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani didn’t reply, too focused on reaching the top of the trail and the dull, throbbing pain in his leg. The most he could do was give a half-hearted thumbs up before using another tree trunk to pull himself further along. His cane made a handy walking stick, although it did not stop him from a slight misstep, foot slipping on the curve of a damp root.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Woah!” Neil darted forward, hands flying up to brace Sulejmani’s shoulders. Worry was clearly etched on his face, “You sure you don’t wanna take a break or anything?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The top is right there. No point in stopping now...” Sulejmani grunted as he leaned forward, planting a steadier foot and pushing onwards.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil sighed. While it was true that the path plateaued around twenty more feet up, he couldn’t help but wince each time he saw Sulejmani put pressure on his leg.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The path flattened out as it led to a cliff face overlooking more of the forest and the mountain range beyond it. A bench was carved from a fallen log which Neil immediately took to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not like the trail continues past that cliff. Come and sit, Milosz.” Neil unslung the backpack he was carrying, taking out his water bottle and patting the space beside him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani inhaled the autumn air, gazing at the sea of fiery leaves below him and the bright blue sky above. The vista reminded him of a painting he saw at the venue where he met Olivieri. Although, cheap imitations can’t hold a candle to the real deal. He sighed despite himself and made his way to where Neil sat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“About time you took a break,” Neil clicked his tongue, “Honestly, I’m surprised you have that much energy in you.” He took a swig from his bottle, “But seriously, you should’ve taken a break at least… five times on our hike.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Afraid to admit you have less stamina than an old cripple like me?” Sulejmani taunted as he drank from his own bottle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil scoffed, “Please, you’re not even that old anyway.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmph, older than </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just saying…” He shrugged before Neil gave him a light punch on the shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The pair sat at the cliffside bench for a while, listening to the chirps of birds and the leaves rustling in the breeze. In the distance, a low, droning sound was carried to them. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani squinted, spotting a white speck flying low over the forest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil was leaning back against the bench with his eyes closed, humming a little as he matched the pitch of the sound. “Cessna 172,” he finally spoke as the sound faded away along with the speck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can identify that by sound alone?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Was I right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Eh, too far way to tell.” Neil jokingly hit him again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A while later, a flock of geese passed by overhead, squawking in a lopsided V formation.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What kind of plane was that?” Sulejmani teased.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A Viggen,” Neil sarcastically muttered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wow… You really are a prodigy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t make me hit you again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Given how those last two hits were, that threat of yours isn’t very effective.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, really? Guess I’ll have to change up my strategy…” Before Sulejmani could turn and give a questioning look, Neil sat up and planted a quick kiss on his cheek. “Hah! Direct hit!” Neil cheered as Sulejmani’s face quickly reddened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Y-you…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How’s that for effective?” Neil smuggly folded his arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani huffed and stood up, “We should start heading back down.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine by me. I’ll take the lead this time, that way if you slip and fall again, there’ll be someone below to catch you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not going to fall again,” Sulejmani snapped.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani proceeded to lose his footing on three separate occasions, both men thankful that Neil was there to stop him from dropping any further down the slope. As the two made it to Neil’s truck, Neil was practically bursting from holding a laugh in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t. Say. Anything,” Sulejmani warned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil snorted, “I told you so…” Now it was his turn to be punched in the arm.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As they rode home, the Cessna from earlier making a closer appearance, flying parallel with their truck for a little while before breaking off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Heh, I knew it,” Neil stared after it, being mindful of the fact that his eyes didn’t leave the road for too long.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seeing his face lit up at the sight of the plane made Sulejmani smile too, although he did turn his head to look out the passenger window so Neil couldn’t see it. “You really like planes, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course! I mean, who doesn’t, honestly?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You miss flying?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sometimes, yeah. Do you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like planes or miss flying?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm… Both?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani thought for a bit. Being a pilot was honestly just a means to an end for him. Another job like any other. Do what you’re told, get paid. Concurrently, his opinion on planes was equally pragmatic; they’re just tools. Expensive ones at that. There was the occasional thrill that came from dogfighting, but the line between adrenaline and enjoyment was a blurry one. “They’re alright,” he haphazardly condensed his feelings on the matter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A bit vague, don’t you think?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t like my honest answer.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sweet lies over bitter truths, as they say…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bitter truths indeed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’d think my opinion of you would change that much if you said you didn’t like planes or flying them?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just don’t want to disappoint you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Milosz…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I overheard your phone call… The one with the other three fools a few weeks ago. You wanted us to fly together again, but I… I can’t…” Sulejmani rubbed the knee of his bum leg, “And it’s not just because of this.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Neil couldn’t help but feel partially responsible for Sulejmani’s current condition, both mental and physical. His intentions from the beginning were pure and honest. Help Sulejmani onto his feet, repent, and move on, but the sudden thought that he was doing more harm than good felt like a spike of ice. “You don’t have to fly if you don’t want to. It was just a suggestion…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then what else could I do? I appreciate that you’ve taken the time out of your life to assist me, but this can’t go on forever. My leg’s going to heal and I still won’t have a job; I don’t have any skills other than killing people!” He threw his hands up in the air in frustration and sighed, “I don’t want to end up mooching off of you after all you’ve already done for me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil frowned at hearing Sulejmani’s voice crack a little. “It’s not mooching if I’m not asking for compensation. I don’t care how long this will go on or what will happen in the future. Right now, I love you, Milosz, truly.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve said that before, I get it already.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Now you’re just doing that on purpose…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love Milosz Sulejmani with all of my heart!” Neil shouted out the window.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“S-stop it! How many more times are you going to keep saying that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Until you believe it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I already said-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“‘Getting’ something isn’t believing in it… Sure you can understand that I’m in love with you, I take you on dates and kiss you and everything, but have you ever felt like you deserved it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani was silent.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See? If we ever do end up parting ways in the end… If that happens then I want you to at least leave knowing that you deserved every single ounce of my love for you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“... Even after everything I’ve done? To you? To others?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re a victim too, Milosz.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The lump in his throat burned. Of course, of course he was a victim, but he turned that suffering into a weapon. How easy those feelings came to him that fair June evening. How willing he was to kill the man who now sits beside him, professing flowery words of love and redemption. “Impossible…” he muttered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then why not pretend?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani cocked an eyebrow, suddenly perplexed at Neil’s strange suggestion that he forgot his inner turmoil for a moment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pretend that you deserve it. Wake up every morning and look at yourself in the mirror and go, ‘Yeah! I’m loved!’ Even if you don’t believe your own words.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That sounds… ridiculously childish…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Back when I was in school, my public speaking class taught me if I was ever nervous or doubtful about something, just pretend that I’m actually confident about it instead. You’d be surprised at how well it actually works.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not going to say it that loudly, but I will humor you and follow your advice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t forget. Every day, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, yes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“... I love you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Will pretending get you to stop saying that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Heh, maybe.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>fire! passion!<br/>(this chapter (mostly the second half) is borderline smut... or at least very intense foreplay... uh... yeah... *whistles innocently*)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Miiilooosz… I’m cooold...” Neil drawled as he hung himself over the back of the couch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Go put more wood in the fire,” Sulejmani nodded to the crackling fireplace as he turned to the next page of one of the books he found on the shelves, some sort of noir murder mystery.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I already added a few more logs…” Neil pouted as he read with Sulejmani over his shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani sighed, “Then put on another jacket.” He scooted away to the opposite end of the couch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That won’t work, I tried,” Neil followed to look over Sulejmani’s shoulder again. “Plus, it’d be difficult to move if I was wearing too many jackets.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Probably for the better,” Sulejmani grumbled and tried to slide over again before he felt a pair of arms wrap around his neck. His heart fluttered for a moment as he tried to keep focus on the faded yellow pages.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Make me less cold…” Neil whined. There was a strange lilt in his voice that agitated the butterflies in Sulejmani’s stomach.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He ignored the signals his body was giving to him and shrugged Neil’s arms off of him, “I can not control the weather or the temperature of this room.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil huffed and was about to turn away, but stopped when he got an idea. He rested his chin on Sulejmani’s shoulder and pressed his lips against his neck. A smile crossed his face as he felt the other man flinch and tense, but otherwise made no move to push him away. “You can control my temperature,” Neil whispered against his skin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani gulped and turned another page, “I am... b-busy right now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a good book, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Mm,” Sulejmani made a small noise of agreement. He felt arms lazily wrap around him again, a thumb caressing along an exposed collarbone from his low-cut shirt. He felt goosebumps begin to form and prayed to whatever god out there that Neil didn’t notice them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is it better than me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani steeled himself against Neil’s advances, “Few things in this world come close to surpassing you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“... That didn’t answer my question.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just... let me finish this paragra-” Sulejmani’s words caught in his throat as he felt teeth graze against his skin. “A-Antares…” He tried his best to sound reprimanding.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil tsked, “You don’t have to call me that anymore, y’know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Old habits are hard to break.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you take a break from that book?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“One more paragraph.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t make me spoil the ending for you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani grumbled and dog-eared the page he was on. He leaned forward, both to set it down on the coffee table and to escape Neil’s torturous embrace. “Alright, what do you want? Better yet, what has gotten into you?” He twisted his body so he could face the man behind him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wanted to try something new…” Neil crouched so only his face from the nose up was visible. The juxtaposition from how confident he sounded to how embarrassed he looked made Sulejmani chuckle, nevermind the fact that he himself was also red in the face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Something new, huh?” Sulejmani scoffed, “And what exactly would that entail, hm?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh… eh… you know…” Neil sunk away from Sulejmani’s amused gaze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Get out from behind the couch and have a proper conversation with me. Although, I do have a hunch that whatever you were planning was as far from ‘proper’ as you can get.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t rub it in…” Neil groaned and crawled around the couch, standing up only to sit down on it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sometimes I think you’re trying too hard to play casanova,” Sulejmani noted and folded his arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m just experimenting around with stuff…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani cocked an eyebrow, “What kind of ‘stuff’?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil grumbled and flipped over the hood of the jacket he had on and pulled at the drawstrings, covering his face completely, “You know…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, actually, I don’t know. Enlighten me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil opened his hood enough to see Sulejmani smirking at him from the opposite end of the couch, “You </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> know!” He swiftly looked around him to try and find a pillow to throw at the other man, not noticing one already flying towards his head. “Seriously?” He giggled and threw it back. Sulejmani deflected it with a well-aimed right hook, sending it careening off to the side and out of Neil’s reach. “Aw, come on…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No more playing around. Answer my question.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeesh… so serious…” Neil rubbed the back of his neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Too much of a coward to answer?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No! I mean… I’m not scared, just… nervous…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Take your time, it’s not like I have a book to get back to reading or anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil puffed out his cheeks as he glared at Sulejmani for a moment, then sighed. “I… I want to get more… i-intimate with you…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As if you haven't been already?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not like that way… I mean more like… I dunno...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sex?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil covered his face with his hands, “Mhm.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Talk about beating around the bush,” Sulejmani griped.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was </span>
  <em>
    <span>trying</span>
  </em>
  <span> to set the mood!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The most you did was annoy me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then why are you blushing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> blushing… It’s just too damn hot in here with that blasted fire of yours burning...” Sulejmani went to touch one of his cheeks and averted his gaze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe you’d be less hot if you took your shirt off?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Neil!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What? I can not control the temperature of this room,” he mimicked, “I’m just giving you advice like you gave me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You…” Sulejmani growled, “Yes you </span>
  <em>
    <span>can</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You can put that fire out right now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But the atmosphere!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop getting advice from bawdy teen magazines and B movie romances!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, what do you suggest?! I doubt you have any experience regarding this stuff either.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani sighed, “You’re not wrong…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re a virgin too?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Were it not for my leg, I would be lunging out of my seat and strangling you right now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t mean that, though. You’re just saying that because you’re embarrassed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you’re not?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am a little, but someone has to make the first move, right?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Again with the cliches…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not doing it just because I got inspired by some silly romantic trash. I… really want this. I just didn’t know how to go about it, exactly. Hence… well… this mess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are so honest it hurts…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“S-sorry if I was being too pushy. If you don’t want to i-it’s fine… I should’ve-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll only take my shirt off if you take yours off too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“H-huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did I stutter?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“N-no, uh…” Neil started fumbling with his jacket, slipping it over his head along with the first jacket he put on earlier and his shirt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even though he was probably going to see Neil’s exposed torso soon anyways, Sulejmani still looked away out of courtesy, his own hands gripping the hem of his shirt, but not moving.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Milosz? Are you gonna…?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Promise me… you won’t be disgusted,” Sulejmani shut his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil cocked his head, brow creasing in concern. “I promise.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani sucked in a breath as he lifted his shirt, still afraid to both exhale and look at Neil even as it was completely removed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil held back a quiet gasp, eyes widening a bit. Numerous scars ranging from burns to cuts to even a few bullet wounds covered Sulejmani’s body. He noticed a series of small, identical looking scars on one of his shoulders, old, but clean and precise cuts lined up against each other. “Oh, Milosz…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Horrible isn’t it?” His meaning included more than just the scars.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do they… still hurt?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I touch them?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you would like. Although, I don’t see why you’d want to… I’m no Hollywood Adonis.” Sulejmani promptly ate his words when he felt reverent fingertips brush his marred flesh. Each mark treated with the same amount of care as if he had just got them today. He took the chance to open his eyes and look at Neil. The other man was unblemished, save for a few birth marks that randomly dotted his body. Tan skin pulled over the barest hints of muscle, in shape, but definitely not a body-builder. He gulped and looked away, simultaneously overwhelmed and ashamed, “You deserve better.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t. Don’t ever say that.” Neil leaned forward to kiss the scars on his shoulder, the large gash under his ribcage, a bullet wound above his left clavicle, a burn on his right flank. He went around applying the same treatment to all of them, hands reaching out to snake around his back to trace the scars he couldn’t see.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everytime his lips made contact with him, Sulejmani’s eyes seemed to unfocus. That dizzy, feverish sensation began to flood his head as his breathing became heavier. If only he could melt into Antares. To feel his touch forever. He tentatively brought his hands up, going over the smooth skin with his calloused palms. He ran them down Neil’s chest, around his ribs, and up to his shoulder blades, noting how the muscles flexed and tensed as he went. “Neil…” The other man’s name practically came out like a purr, surprising the both of them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You enjoying yourself there?” Neil gave an amused chuckle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sh-shut up…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wilco.” He smirked and moved away to guide Sulejmani’s legs onto the couch. Once he was done, Neil started straddling his hips, bracing his hands on the arm rest that Sulejmani’s head was now leaning against.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>These bursts of confidence were not helping Sulejmani cope with whatever feelings he was dealing with right now. Being pinned down by Neil of all people was embarrassing, exciting, foreign. He watched his head dip into the crook of his neck, gingerly kissing the skin there. There was something… frustrating about it. Sulejmani brought a hand up around Neil’s head, pushing it down further in hopes that he would get the message. As soon as he felt teeth brush his skin, he pushed his body upwards into it. “Come on…” A rogue thought escaped his lips, but he was too impatient to care at this point. He sighed as Neil bit him, a strange mix of pain and relief churning his core. “More… harder…” Neil applied more pressure and even started to suck, causing him to groan and involuntarily buck his hips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neil gasped, having to catch his breath at this turn of events. He looked down at the reddening mark he left on Sulejmani’s neck and to the man’s equally red face. Strands of his hair had started to cling to his forehead and his grey eyes were glazed over, flickering from the light of the fire.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why… stop…” Sulejmani panted as his hands feebly tried to pull him closer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh… W-we should… um…” He blinked a few times and shook his head, trying to snap himself out of his stupor. “B-bedroom… We should take this to the bedroom if… I mean we can stop now if-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Sulejmani dragged his nails down Neil’s chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“O-okay, okay, I got it… H-hold on,” he dismounted and carefully scooped Sulejmani up so as to not agitate his leg.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Damn… He’s stronger than I expected.</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ It felt weird being the taller and older one of the pair being carried bridal style, but it was oddly comforting. The bedroom wasn’t even that far away, yet he still took the trouble to carry him there. He felt soft blankets against his back as he was laid down, followed by the sturdy and warm feeling of Neil’s thighs astride his hips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shall we continue?” He whispered in his ear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sulejmani hummed and hooked his arms around Neil’s neck, “Please…”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>will i ever write smut for this fic? (the answer is i already have but it will never see the light of day, my shame simply sits too heavily in my heart)</p>
<p>on an unrelated note: i like using ellipses a lot... why? who knows... they're everywhere...<br/>another unrelated note: it's 1:25 AM... no i'm not tired what are you talking about ahahaha *dies again*</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> ...Beep… Beebeebeebeep…  Beebeebeebeep… Beebeebeebeep… </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Mrgh… Turn off your damn alarm already…” Sulejmani grumbled, squeezing his head between a pillow.</p><p>Neil turned towards his nightstand with a yawn, wincing a little from fairly fresh bruises and scratches as they were dragged across the blanket. He blinked a little, morning grogginess slowly turning into confusion, “Wait… It’s Sunday, right?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Beebeebeebeep… Beebeebeebeep… </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sulejmani sighed, “Yes, if it makes any difference.”</p><p>Neil furrowed his brow, ‘<em>That's strange. </em> <em> I didn’t set an alarm for Sunday… Unless someone’s…”  </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Beebeebeebeep…  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, shit!” Neil bolted upright, darting for the phone just as the ringing stopped. He frantically checked his call log, noticing he had five missed calls, all from a familiar Lieutenant Colonel. “Oh, shit…” Neil groaned and rubbed his face with his free hand.</p><p>“What is it?” </p><p>“It’s not a ‘what’, but a ‘who’...” Neil grimaced.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Beebeebeebeep… Beebeebeebeep… </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Before Sulejamni could ask, Neil quickly hit the answer button, bringing the phone up to his ear and trying his best to act professional and enthusiastic after having just woken up from a night with barely any sleep, “Lieutenant Colonel Burford! What can I do for you, sir?”</p><p>“Good grief… It’s <em> him </em>?”</p><p>“Quiet!” Neil stage whispered to Sulejmani. He heard Burford sigh on the other end of the phone.</p><p> </p><p>&lt;&lt; Antares… About time you picked up, I was beginning to expect the worst. &gt;&gt;</p><p>“Tell him you’re busy…” Sulejmani whined, encircling his arms around Neil’s waist.</p><p>“Milosz, <em> please </em> not now…” </p><p>&lt;&lt; Antares? &gt;&gt;</p><p>“I- uh, Yes! I-I’m still here, everything has been going a-ok on my end.” Neil began to perspire, hoping to God that Burford didn’t catch on to his nervousness or hear Sulejmani.</p><p>&lt;&lt; Mm. That’s good to hear... &gt;&gt; </p><p>Burford’s doubt was nearly palpable. Neil nervously fidgeted, both to release his anxiety and try to wriggle out of Sulejmani’s increasingly needy grasp.</p><p>&lt;&lt; Well, I was calling to let you know that little parole stint you set up with Varcolac has been proceeding fairly smoothly. Kiriakov’s already been set up to return to Martinez soon, and as for Oruma and Gaviria, the two have decided to stay in the program a bit longer, something about making friends with the locals or something... &gt;&gt; </p><p>“Oh, that’s… Actually grea-”</p><p>&lt;&lt; I wasn’t finished speaking. &gt;&gt;</p><p>Neil’s face fell, “Y-yes, apologies, sir.”</p><p>&lt;&lt; … That leaves one more to discuss, the one who has been placed directly under your jurisdiction, Sulejmani. &gt;&gt;</p><p>“‘The one who has been placed directly under your jurisdiction…’,” Sulejmani mocked in a tiny voice.</p><p> &lt;&lt; Pardon? &gt;&gt;</p><p>Neil paled, “I-I didn’t say anything, sir! It’s probably interference, uh, being out in the woods you don’t get a lot of good reception so…” He tried to get out of the bed to take the conversation elsewhere, but Sulejmani didn’t relinquish his grip. Combine that with Neil’s nerves, legs tangling in the blankets, and only one hand to steady himself, the two were led into a tumbling mess off of the bed.</p><p> </p><p>&lt;&lt; Are you sure everything’s alright, Antares? &gt;&gt;</p><p>Neil groaned, fall thankfully cushioned by a rug, although now he had to deal with Sulejmani’s weight on top of him, “Y-yeah… I’m okay…” he squeaked out, “Just interference…” Although he couldn’t see him, he heard Sulejmani snicker above him. ‘<em> Oh, you bastard. You’re doing this on purpose, huh?’ </em>Part of him was ticked off, but he was mostly thankful he didn’t hurt his leg during the fall. Making a fool of himself in front of his boss was a worthy trade-off for that.</p><p>&lt;&lt; … As I was saying, I want to know how well Sulejmani is adjusting, as well as an ETA on when you’ll be ready for work again. &gt;&gt;</p><p>“Of course… M-... He has been doing well… His leg’s been getting better… um…” Neil wasn’t very comfortable, nevermind his physical position, having to speak about Sulejmani when he was right there with him. There was also, well… his thoughts drifted to last night and he gulped, “Uh…” </p><p>Using this opening, Sulejmani leaned towards the phone, “I must say, Burford, your little scorpion has been treating me quite well. You’ve got an eye for quality, I’ll give you that, and if I’m being honest I’d say that he’d be ready to fly for you at any time.” Even though his words were sincere, it was hard to tell since he gave them his usual sarcastic cadence.</p><p>“M-Milosz!” Neil blushed and floundered as the moment of silence increased on Burford’s side of the line. He was about to speak again before he heard an amused laugh on the phone.</p><p>&lt;&lt; I didn’t know you were on a first-name basis with him. &gt;&gt;</p><p>“Uh, i-it’s nothing, really! I mean… uh… I c-can explain-”</p><p>“Go ahead, <em> Neeeiiilll. </em>Explain it to him,” Sulejmani teased.</p><p>“Mil-, I mean, Sulej- ah, fucking shit,” Neil exasperatedly ran his fingers through his hair. “S-sorry for the profanity, sir, I’m having… difficulties…” </p><p>&lt;&lt; I can call at a later time if you’d prefer. You seem to have other business to attend to. &gt;&gt;</p><p>Great, now Burford was ribbing him too. Neil rubbed his temple, “H-how about I call you later today?”</p><p>&lt;&lt; It’s already past noon, but whatever works for you. I don't want to be interrupting anything. &gt;&gt;</p><p>“Y-you weren’t! I just… It… Nevermind… I’ll talk to you later.” Neil groaned as Burford hung up, going completely slack as Sulejmani chuckled above him. “This isn’t funny, Milosz.”</p><p>“Come on, you were taking too long anyways. Nothing wrong with getting to the point. And besides, for being the stubborn, old dog that he is, Burford seemed to be taking it in stride,” Sulejmani shrugged, rolling off of Neil and hoisting himself back onto the bed again.</p><p>“I would prefer to keep my work life and private life separate,” Neil huffed and sat up, working on unwrapping the blanket cocoon from his body.</p><p>“Aren’t I technically your work <em> and </em> private life?” Sulejmani pondered as he rested his arms behind his head.</p><p>Neil sighed, “I don’t know. It’s just… I haven’t really told Burford about… <em> us </em>… Last memory he has of you is from our duel over San Francisco… Suddenly going, ‘Hey! Our former enemy is now your top ace’s boyfriend’ is a… strange update to thrust upon him… even if it’s been months since then.”</p><p>“So what?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“If you think Burford might have a problem with this, then that’s on him, not you,” Sulejmani flippantly waved his hand in the air.</p><p>“I would like to keep my relations with my boss to be as positive and amicable as possible, thank you very much.”</p><p>“Bootlicker.”</p><p>“Okay, I know you don’t really care for Burford, but please do not sabotage my phone calls with him. For my sake.”</p><p>Sulejmani huffed, “Only for you.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Neil wiped the sweat from his forehead and tossed the blankets back onto the bed.</p><p>Sulejmani promptly tucked himself back in again, patting the empty space beside him expectantly.</p><p>Neil flinched as he finally had the chance to realize something, “H-hold on, let me get some pants... or underwear on at the very least.”</p><p>“Aw, I wanted to enjoy the view,” Sulejmani facetiously pouted.</p><p>“Can’t believe I had a conversation with my boss in the nude…” Neil mumbled to himself as he rifled through his drawers, not bothering to go on a scavenger hunt around the room to find some decent covering.</p><p>“Hey, he couldn’t see you.”</p><p>Neil shook his head, “That does not make it any less mortifying.” He slipped on some plain red boxers, coincidentally the same shade as his face.</p><p>“Want me to help you forget about it? It’s the least I could do after all you’ve done for me last night...” Sulejmani brushed his fingers up Neil’s arm as he settled into bed next to him.</p><p>“Th-that w-won’t be necessary…,” Neil wrapped his arms around Sulejmani, placing one hand between his shoulders and the other on the small of his back, bringing him close, “This… this is enough.” He sighed and kissed Sulejmani’s forehead, allowing his racing pulse to return to normal. As tantalizing as the offer was, Neil was still exhausted from such an abrupt awakening, and he felt himself begin to drift off into much needed sleep once again.</p><p>Sulejmani quieted as he felt blood rush to his cheeks. He had been hoping to keep Neil in that adorably flustered state, but good things don’t last forever, it seems. Still, this turn of events wasn’t entirely a bad thing. He slowly brought his hand up, hesitating near Neil’s face before he gingerly brushed back some errant strands of hair. ‘<em> What’s so wrong with being like this forever? It’s not like he </em> has <em> to go back to Martinez, right? If he did, where would that leave me? What would I do? What </em> can <em> I do?’ </em> He traced Neil’s jawline to his lips, ghosting over the soft skin with his thumb. The other man had already begun snoring which caused Sulejmani to smile a little. ‘<em>This might sound foolhardy coming from someone like me to someone like you, but… even if I have nothing left to offer but myself, then I want to have the chance to support you with my all, too.’ </em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>finally... finally uploading a chapter during a reasonable and sane hour... i can still see the sun... now i can... *disintegrates*</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>trick to defeating writer's block: wait until a big ol' holiday comes around and write stuff based off of that</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What do you think I could do, Sasha?”</p><p> </p><p>It was a particularly warm day today, despite it being late autumn. Neil had already left for work a few hours ago, leaving Sulejmani alone to find solace in the flock of hens that resided in the backyard. “Sasha,” as he liked to call her, stared blankly at him as he sat upon a tree stump.</p><p> </p><p>Following Neil’s phone call with Burford the other day, the prospect of him returning to Martinez was closer than he anticipated, as early as this upcoming spring. However, this did present a series of problems for Sulejmani.</p><p> </p><p>He groaned and ran a hand through his hair, “I doubt Burford would let me touch, let alone get near, a plane ever again after, well, you know…”</p><p> </p><p>Sasha tilted her head and began pecking at his shoelace.</p><p> </p><p>“I <em> could </em> be an operator, but that would be working with <em> Burford </em> . I don’t need him <em> directly </em> nagging into my ear,” he crossed his leg to try and dissuade Sasha’s attack, but it only caused her to move to his other shoe instead, untying it in the process.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll admit I’m not nearly as skilled or knowledgeable enough to be a mechanic, so anything like that is off the table… Are you even listening to me?” He bent down to pick Sasha up, who only trilled a little in response. He sighed, “I really have lost my mind, hm? Talking to damn chickens...” Sulejmani put her back on the ground again and tied his shoes, going an extra length to double knot them this time.</p><p> </p><p>“You really think she’s a ‘Sasha’?”</p><p> </p><p>Sulejmani nearly jumped out of his skin as he turned and saw Neil leaning against the cabin. “H-How long were you listening to me?!”</p><p> </p><p>Neil shrugged as he ambled over, “Long enough.” He plopped down next to Sulejmani on the stump with a satisfied sigh. “Man, hauling bags of salt really takes a lot outta you.”</p><p> </p><p>“People preparing for winter?”</p><p> </p><p>“Mhm.”</p><p> </p><p>Sulejmani folded his hands in his lap, “Then it’ll be spring…”</p><p> </p><p>“Yup…” Neil leaned over to get a better look at Sulejmani’s face, “Is everything alright, Milosz?”</p><p> </p><p>“I-I’m fine,” he turned his head indignantly, but faltered a little when he felt Neil place a hand on his own.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry,” Neil brushed his thumb over Sulejmani’s knuckles, “We’ll find something for you to do once the time comes, okay? Besides, I <em> do </em> have an idea… It’ll take some more convincing on Burford’s part but...” He trailed off.</p><p> </p><p>Sulejmani cocked an eyebrow, “What are you scheming?”</p><p> </p><p>Neil sheepishly rubbed the back of his head, “I was thinking… <em> maybe </em>… that you could be my wizzo?”</p><p> </p><p>Sulejmani was practically incredulous, “Me? <em> Your </em> wizzo? <em> Really </em>? Ha! ‘Some more convincing’ is right. I can’t see Burford clearing that request in a million years.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, it’s good to give it a shot! Besides, I can’t really see you doing anything else that doesn’t involve flying in a fighter anyways.”</p><p> </p><p>“I suppose,” Sulejmani hummed.</p><p> </p><p>“Also…”</p><p> </p><p>“Also?”</p><p> </p><p>“I have a more important question to ask…”</p><p> </p><p>Part of Sulejmani was getting both impatient and anxious, “Then get on with it already.”</p><p> </p><p>Neil took a deep breath, “Okay. What do you want to have to eat for Thanksgiving?”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks… giving? You spent all of that build up for a stupid question like that?” Sulejmani pinched the bridge of his nose.</p><p> </p><p>“Have you ever even celebrated Thanksgiving?” </p><p> </p><p>“No.”</p><p> </p><p>“Bah!” Neil threw up his arms, “Then that means I have to make it the best one yet!”</p><p> </p><p>Sulejmani raised his hands, “I assure you, you don’t have to do-”</p><p> </p><p>“But I want to!” Neil pouted, “Now, tell me what you’d like me to cook.”</p><p> </p><p>“I-I don’t know! You’ve celebrated this ‘Thanksgiving’ thing before… What do <em> you </em> usually eat?”</p><p> </p><p>Neil folded his arms and stood up like a professor about to give a lecture, “Well… I usually have side dishes like green beans and mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce and stuffing,” he counted all the different foods on his fingers, “Then, there’s the main dish, the iconic turkey! And then for dessert you have, like, pies and stuff.” </p><p> </p><p>“Sounds a bit excessive…” Sulejmani tried to wipe the drool from the corner of his mouth as inconspicuously as possible.</p><p> </p><p>“It is… But the most important part is not just the food, it’s the fact that you’re sharing it with someone else and being, y’know, thankful for stuff…”</p><p> </p><p>“Hm. Explains the name.”</p><p> </p><p>Neil chuckled.</p><p> </p><p>“Since you did leave the offer to me, I <em> was </em> going to suggest caviar and kobe beef-”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s expensive, but we can have those too if you want!”</p><p> </p><p>“I was joking.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah.”</p><p> </p><p>The two stared at each other for a moment before breaking out into a series of laughs.</p><p> </p><p>Sulejmani shook his head, “You really are an idiot sometimes…” </p><p> </p><p>Neil gave a small, teasing kick to the shin on Sulejmani’s good leg, “It doesn’t help that you deadpan half of the time.”</p><p> </p><p>“Pft. Don’t be so gullible and it won’t be a problem.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why I oughta…” Neil stooped over to scoop up an armful of pine needles and leaves and tossed them at Sulejmani.</p><p> </p><p>“Gah!” He shielded his face, “Seriously?! Again with this?”</p><p> </p><p>Neil gave a nonchalant shrug, “You reap what you sow,” he drawled before hurriedly dodging Sulejmani’s own foliage fueled retaliation.</p><hr/><p>“Alright… Now I’m officially tired…” Neil panted as he laid on the ground, one of the hens taking the opportunity to sit on his stomach.</p><p> </p><p>“So you… finally… concede defeat…” Sulejmani laid beside him, equally exhausted.</p><p> </p><p>After spending a few minutes catching their breaths, Neil tapped Sulejmani’s shoulder with the back of his hand, “I’m thankful that you’re here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hm? Where’s this coming from?”</p><p> </p><p>“‘Tis the season,” Neil chimed, “You ought to say what you’re thankful for.”</p><p> </p><p>“Like what?”</p><p> </p><p>“I dunno… It’s all up to you.”</p><p> </p><p>Sulejmani paused for a moment before reaching an arm across to place his hand in Neil’s, “I guess I’m thankful that you’re here, too.”</p><p> </p><p>Neil snorted, “You guess?”</p><p> </p><p>“Listen, I’ve never done this before, so bear with me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, alright.” Neil turned over on his side to face Sulejmani and propped his head up on his elbow. <span>“I’m thankful for… my girls,” he laughed a little as the one that was on his stomach strutted away.</span></p><p> </p><p>Sulejmani smirked, “I feel like that’s a cop out.”</p><p> </p><p>“As if!” Neil huffed. “Okay, your turn.”</p><p> </p><p>“I have to keep going?”</p><p> </p><p>“At least one more so we’re even for today.”</p><p> </p><p>Sulejmani grumbled and was about to speak before Neil interrupted him.</p><p> </p><p>“And you can’t repeat what I’m thankful for, either.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okaaayyy, I get it,” Sulejmani furrowed his brow and stared at the evergreen canopy above him. “I’m… thankful for…” The wind rustled the pines, causing flecks of light to dance across the ground. “I’m thankful for being alive.”</p><p> </p><p>Neil hummed in affirmation, “That’s a good one.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t think that one’s too… easy?”</p><p> </p><p>“Not at all,” Neil smiled and planted a kiss on Sulejmani’s forehead.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>wrow. it's been like, two months since i last updated this, huh? welp, time to go to sleep while it's still 11:30pm</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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